I feel like the shit has been beat out of me. Why is it so hard to cope? I want to just shrivel up and waste away. I have no energy and I'm frustrated and apathetic at teh same time. The only things I care about are the people I want to like me and food. Fucking food. I hate it. I wish it didn't even exist. Then I could be perfectly thin. And evrybody would be jealous of me because I would have the perfect body. They would all regret that they coudn't have cared less about me. And yet I still eat like a gulttonous pig. WHY?!?!?! I'm so trhough with this. Seriosuly, I'm tired of this bloody fucking life where all I do is get up in the morning, go to school, try with everything I have to get their attention, and go back to ED. Maybe I'm better off with ED. I HATE feeling like that because it sounds so pro-ana, but, honestly, why SHOULD I get rid of him? He's gotten me through so much. He's been something to focus on when other things ere too painful to think about. He's been the monster that made me people acknowledge my existence. He saved me from myself. It's so SICK and I'm so sorry for letting you guys down. I swear... -Megan
Replies
I know how you feel, girlie. I\'m so sorry that you have to go through all of this on a daily basis. It\'s torture. Why WOULDN\'T ED be worth getting rid of? Look at how he makes you feel about yourself. Look at how miserable he makes your life. Without him, you probably would be happy and wouldn\'t care about what others think about you. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you. I know how tough it is, but hang in there...
First of all no let down. We all struggle. There are days were I still want to be sick to, but recovery is a hell of a lot more fun to me! There is so much more that I get to do know, and I have a hell of a lot more than I ever did with ed. And to me, alot of the time it erases what anyone could ever think of me. I simply just always do my best at everything and if thats not enough, then SO WHAT! I can walk away with my head held high knowing I did my best. \"Creativity and Love do not reside in perfection, but in inperfection.\" I hope that helps pretty girl. I believe in you and hope for a better day for you tommorow.
You\'re not a let done. You are being honest. I agree with Brittney, ed is making your life miserable, not better. Without ed you will be happy and you won\'t care as much about what others think of you. When I was in recovery I stopped trying to be friends with everyone. I just thought if people really wanted to be my friend I don\'t have to try, it would just happen, and it did. I had way more friends during recovery then I did before or now. I\'m heading towards recovery again now, it\'s hard some days. I feel like it would just be easier to stay with ed, but I get rid of that thought because recovery is so good. I feel like I\'m getting my life back. Last summer I had no energy to do anything. This summer I am going to change that. I am going to get out there and live. I\'ll be silly and carefree and I will try not to care when people give me strange looks.
I know how you feel about food being the main focus of your life! Don\'t stop fighting it.