Hey guys. First off I'd just like to thank you all so much for the support, your comments truly make me feel so much better all the time. It's always great just to have someone there, you know?          Any ways, I'm just so not sure of anything. I starved today, and I like it, obviously. I mean I know it's harmful and all, but at least when I'm starving I'm taking action and not just shoveling food into my mouth like a pig. I'm also petrified that I'll try to binge later tonight. If that happens I don't even know what I'll do to myself. I am far too large right now, and as soon I get back down to where I was ,maybe a little lower, I will have earned the privilidge to eat again. Right now I don't deserve to. I pray to God I can keep this up. I know that's not a good thing, but I rationalize my binges aren't healthy either. It can't be good to inhale food all day, sometimes eating up to 2000 calories a day. I hate hate HATE being normal weight. I feel kinda reluctant to share with you guys why I do what I do, because it's terrible. I've been uncovering the reasons through therapy, and I don't have justifications for this disorder like a dysfunctional family or whatever. To my knowledge, my starving is my way of crying for attention. I feel like if I hurt my body then maybe people will care about me and love me? I don't know. And of course, there's the feelings of control and self-acceptance that only come when I'm starving.                        I am also really tired lately. I get out of school on June 18th, and I wish I could be more excited about it, but I'm just so blue lately. Another terrible, pathetic thing about me is that I oftentimes associate food with being happy, although, of course, when I eat, it doesn't bering the happiness I want to feel. I just somehow think that if I try to eat with my family and like not care about food then somehow I'm also defying my desire to be the most popular, because I won't have everybody's attention on me.                                                Love,                                          Megan