hello again everyone!let me start off by wishing you all a happy new year.and secondly the reason I haven't been on in awhile is that I've just snapped lately. Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you tried, and how much you were willing to bend and break and change yourself, and no matter how much hurt you allowed yourself to go through, that still the person you love doesn't love you back? It's crazy how we are, sometimes. We put ourselves through the worst storms imaginable just to see the rainbow at the end of the sunlight, even if the rainbow isn't guaranteed. Sometimes it's there, and sometimes it isn't When it does appear, it takes your breath away and your soul just fills with this wonderful sense of purpose and raw love. But when it doesn't--well, you shatter. Something you have been waiting for, praying for, hoping for, pinning all your dreams upon-isn't going to happen. I don't know about you, but I hate being cheated. And if there's anyone who knows that life knocks you down but it's up to you to pick yourself up, it's us. Having an eating disorder makes you realize that sometimes you just gotta be sataisified with something you'll never think is good enough. Feeling like you have to cut is proof that sometimes there's a hurt so powerful that is requires a razor to validate, because the heart isn't strong enough. And falling in love lets you see that sometimes there are things so much bigger than ourselves that it's all you can do not to break into a million pieces. It's hard to wait around for something that may never happen, but it's even harder to give it up, especially when it's everythig you've ever wanted. So I stay stuck in the same suffocating circle, unsure of how to get out and screaming desperately for help to the crowd. Only no one can hear me, because I never take this palstic smile off my face.