I keep contemplating suicide and feel too embaressed to say anything. I put on a face to my family and friends but my horrible thoughts and compulsions are killing me and i'm just too tired to fight anymore. With the one thing that i thought would never change (my love for my boyfriend) who is like a carer aswell to me. He gets me out of my pit everyday, is always there 24/7 for me and now i don't know what to do? Ive told him about everyhing and the thing is he would be better off without me (truthfully) without all the freakouts, panic attacks, constant tiredness, insomnia, weird rituals, mania, depression and everything else. Ive lost my dreams years ago and my job and my independance and hes all ive got left but ive fallen out of love with him and i don't know wether it will come back?anyway lifes shit everyday so whats the point. these thoughts make me believe ive done these terrible things and i dont know whats real anymore my mind and bodies a mess