Hope

We all need hope.  It's so important.  When I turn my will over to a higher power I understand that when things aren't going "my" way that I can TRUST that HP that things are going the way they're meant to.  I've turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God (Step 3). I feel some hope after some frustration.  Yesterday I was tired, tired in general and burnt out at work and using the bus and all the traffic, waiting on the side of the road and walking - it's toxic.  This area has urbanized more since I was a kid, like many places. So I met with my dear friend for our 3rd session of answering Step 1 Al Anon questions, which is hugely insightful.  One question was in what situations do I feel shame or embarassment for another's actions, and I wrote about the experience with Dad and money about the  gym membership this week.  I cried, it was like I was separating the shame I felt that was because of something I did wrong from his actions and the act of his trying to 'shame' me - it felt good to get it out.  It's not pretty to read on my paper aloud what is in my head with my experience in my relationships, and surprizingly it is not about someone elses alcoholism / addiction, which I now know I've been HUGELY affected by.  It's more about my history and seeing how the affects of alcoholism have changed / shaped me, and how I can relearn healthier ways of thinking / believing / behaving through Al Anon meetings and stepwork.  I'm so grateful to be doing this with her.  It had been a month since our last meeting.  And last summer the women who was trying to help me in Al Anon jumped me straight to step 4 and I couldn't see or trust the process - for me starting with 1 on this program is EXACTLY what I need to learn just how Step 1 I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.  This step is priority in my own addiction / alcoholism and I did a lot of writing for it.  After 2 1/2 years in Al Anon finally I'm doing step work!  Yay.  And yes we're both starting from ground Zero but hearing her stuff clues me into some of my own and vice versa, and it removes much of the shame to know I'm not alone in my INSANITY (Step 2 came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.)  I'm so glad to be doing this with her I have no real doubt about it, same with my own sponsor for the most part. What I really want to say also is how I'd surrendered to God I have no car - it's in the shop, very expensive and time consuming to repair, and the thing is still in Dad's name though I've paid for it - anyway I surrendered it and started to think about living without it and let Dad sell it - I can't unless he finds the title and puts it in my name, but he's a little lacking credibility.  Oh well.  I will pay for this repair and it will probably take everything I have and then I don't want to drop any more money to it, on suggestion from my mechanic and in general. So what happened is a dear AA friend who is a man who has his son living with him who is 15 and who is as long as I've known him 4+ years is driven crazy by his addict GF who he wants away from, he wants someone to pick up his son from school and said I could spend time with him till he gets out of work and I can use an extra truck he has.  He saw mutual needs that can be met.  I need transportation, he needs help with his sone. The kid also needs algebra tutoring - I told my friend I was a math teacher last year, I also went to the school where he's attending and was a sub teacher there years ago.  My friend told his son, see I told you God has a plan or something or other - yeah it seemed like a "match made in heaven" anyway we'll see.  The kid is comfy going along to AA & a sweety like his dad so I'll probably take him with me there and wait for my friend to come fom work, or I could go hang out in their trailer he said, which he's in the process of moving away from his GF's.  Yeah he has some drama regarding her I want to stay out of but I said OK to the situation and I'll be thinking about it. Mom also saw the synchronicity that I'd have had a son / daughter his age if I'd made another choice years ago - that is a very personal and painful thing for me that finally getting clean and sober and processing it with step work and counseling has finally been something I can come to terms with and accept.  Mom said the boy would be the age of mine I could have had.  I noticed that to.  So it looks like I'll have a little, what do you call it, companion?  I trusted God with the transportation situation.  We'll see how it goes.  It could start as soon as Monday. :)