At MA where I am the secretary I'm usually one of the only women which doesn't bother me. Anyhow last week I decided I needed to choose a women speaker in case of women newcomers so they would more easily identify. I got the third women I tried to contact agree to speak, and 3 women newcomers and another woman showed up, so we actually outnumbered the men this time! A lot goes for sticking with one's instincts. It was awesome. It was great to see an old woman friend there and for her and everyone to have a connection with eachother, and I love that about my secretary commitment there, being a sort of arranger of that. I volunteered for the radio fair yesterday which left me very grateful to meet likeminded people and those I've known only over the phone, which was really wonderful, and to reconnect with some old friends, and to buy some cool Tshirts and a video "Rock and roll high school" (Ramones - I love the music in it!). One old friend / drinking buddy reeked of alcohol! From the night before or what? Alarming. He came just to see me, which was really nice. And my old good friend who I had my last drink w/ 4 1/2 years ago volunteered with me. He has no idea I'm in AA, it is for me to tell other people who I think will be understanding / supportive, when and IF I want, which is why I go to AA - because other people don't always get it! (Mom still offers me wine from time to time though I tell her I shouldn't be offered. She doesn't get it!) I went to Al Anon today. I am getting direction from my Al Anon sponsor. After a inventory on my sis, & then another one in more detail, she wants me to write the history of our relationship! I want this stuff behind me, but the way is through it! I realize I have a crush on someone, J, and the obsession can so easily shift from her to him, and I think that's how I've dealt with problems - when I find myself stuck, I end up reshifting my focus to something else unmanageable! Progress not perfection. So J, it's like I was SURE he liked me, signs were there, and I was sort of stand offish, shy or just wary, then I decided I liked him and now there is all this insecurity. And then the topic at the meeting where I was with him there, too, was INADEQUACY and I shared, and he related to my sharing. I got fired from my last job, right or wrong, that was a blow. I am dealing with job search in this day and age which is rather baffling. Yes I deal with feelings of inadequacy regularly, and most alcoholics do! And I started to feel all less-than in relation to him, I'm like, why didn't I see how attractive he was the moment he came up to get to know me? Now like a month later I am dealing with the love addiction issues and realizing the need for my spiritual connection with God to keep me from thinking my happiness lies in another, wondering if he likes me or not. Sigh.