I'm a little blah lately, after feeling great last week with many meetings and lunch with a new female friend who I have stuff in common with, which was a real treat. Still learning how to be a friend! I guess I become afraid to reach out and depend on people since I tend to be let down. I tend to erase phone numbers of people that dissapoint me, even though my sponsor said that is a good way to deal with it - why keep a number of someone who doesn't return my calls, if it hurts to see it? I'm dealing with that with LC a little - his texts dropped off, and that is ok, and I resist reaching out, because I need to reach out to appropriate women. I did receive an unemployment check and found out my benefits are greater than the current earnings of my part time job, so that was really an unexpected blessing. I sort of applied at the recommendation of mom to "appease" her, so that is really a miracle, considering I'd gotten in trouble with them years back for admitting to under the table work that had gone unreported when I sudeenly got a payroll check, and having to pay back money, and being told my next claim would be on hold a few months - not so at this time, I don't know! Slacking on yoga and walks I'm sure contribute to the "blah-ness", and the smoke in the air here in the So Cal area from the fires are surely contributing to blahness, as is excessive heat. I slept 8p-8a last night and it was great! Feeling really tired or missing a relationship or someone to date, yet so tired of having exbfs. A few people pique my interest in a way I don't trust since I choose abusive and inappropriate men. My attitude needs a general adjustment. I was thinking about feeling goal-less and then about some goals I have, not materially or status, but more internal about recovery and being there for my family, and I guess that has to be enough for now. I just felt sort of like a loser I guess for my lack of ambition, like I don't initiate any sort of goal. I suppose I'd like to take a figure drawing class I've always wanted to, get organized and declutter, get an Al Anon sponsor, make all my amends, be more self supporting, be in better shape, get into belly dance. I need to work on my people pleasing. I need to accept and get help for my general sense of self loathing and of guilt in being that sort of depressive type the 12 steps and 12 traditions book talks about.