So my dear friend sent me his # on myspace and I cried.  His 25th bday was Sunday.  I called to say happy bday in a msg.  LC I have been thinking about him a lot and dealing with love addiction.  His msg had all these nice things to say I want to believe... I have such low self esteem it's hard. I looked back 25 years to a journal at age 13.  It was his birthday and I wanted to see what I was doing when he was born - I just love using my journals to gain insight. My first boyfriend had asked me out in Feb 25 years ago, twice, and both times I broke up the next day.  He only knew I like him because my friends told him.  I spend the rest of the year tortured - I liked him so much but didn't know how to show or receive love, I was so tortured. 25 years ago my friend had this boyfriend sign my yearbook.  It was the last week of school and I wouldn't see him again.  I never talked to him.  I was so sad and frustrated. So I wrote a letter to my special friend LC that I doubt I'll give him, it was more to process my situation, and I cried really hard.  This friend brings up such feelings for me!  I realize how messed up I am in the area of showing and receiving love.  I realize people have no idea how I feel because I hide it, and to let a crack of it show was what happened when I saw him Friday - I took time to talk to him one on one, and I let him know I missed him, and that I like him whether or not he's in AA (hes' drinking).  He said I didn't reply to his myspace comments.  I said I was shy.  He said "it's me" and to reach out.  I'm having a really hard time with insecurity.  I guess I feel like that 13 year old still. Another issue - our mutual friend who invites me for karaoke, where I saw them both Fri, well I have a feeling there was some discussion about what LC and I said about him because he ignored my call last night, unusually.  I don't know.  I just felt all bad and know this guy has control issues and maybe it got back that I said that - he actually told LC not to go to AA because he's drinking, anyway I said to LC when he brought it up that it upset me and he has control issues - he's said it himself.  Now I'm fearful he hates me, since he can be rather eratic, I don't know!  Maybe I'm imagining it. Turn it over.  All of it. Between LC drinking and being in the city yesterday and hearing some Rolling Stones I love and the emotional pain and wondering about a favorite bar and considering going there with LC for his bday, I started to crave a drink - after 4 years clean and sober!  All these thoughts came up at once - and certain music is a really big trigger for me.  I guess when multiple triggers come at the same time it is normal, it's going to happen sometime.  The craving will pass whether or not I use, in fact the craving would be worse if I introduced alcohol into my system. OK so I made it through yesterday SOBER - and today is my dear friend's 60th sobriety bday and I get to give him a chip!  Yay!