I felt a lot of stress listening to mom this a m.  Yesterday I went to a new Al Anon and shared how in seeing her life is unmanageable in her untreated codependency / Al Anon I tend to have felt responsible in rescuing her, and it is really wearing on me.  Dad isn't getting any better in his gambling / online addiction, he just doesn't contribute, she takes on too much, and it is affecting me.  To hear her complain about stuff including my sis's family, w/ her live in boyfriend / fiance out of prison, a new divorce, her teen kids being bullied by her boyfriend, it's just a really bad situation, and mom wishes the kids could live w/ us, but dad says no.  Sis called me a few weeks ago, and said things weren't so good, but could not say more.  He doesn't leave her alone.  She just moved him in December after 10 years in prison, her teen love, and divorced her hubbie.  I guess I'm powerless over that stuff and it hurts and I tend to want to rescue / fix / control. I'm glad for my Al Anon. I shared at MA last night, I was the leader, which is always interesting to wonder about what came out of my mouth.  It meant a lot to me.  I got a literature commitment temporarily so it will give me a reason to return for a while.  It is about a 45 minute drive for me, but I do need to be there.  It felt good to have people get something out of my share and to listent to them share on the topic I chose, the serenit prayer. I am feeling guilty about R.  He's never left a call back #.  He said the last msg, that I could visit him, but which home is he in?  He was in 4 different ones the last time he was in this treatment program.  He acknowledged that I probably don't want to hear from him.  I know I realize I don't want him to think I dislike or hate him.  I wish he'd listened over 2 months ago when I said I can't be w/ someone who lies to me.  I feel sad.  It's not that I'm ready to call or visit, anyway.  I wish I didn't feel so affected that he is being rejected - I guess in trying to contact me he opened up stuff for me and him as well. At the same time this crush, of course a guy from AA.  Where else do I go??  Anyway the last time I saw him, I had a feeling it was mutual as I saw him in the village and he talked to me.  This time he said it was "really nice to see me" and I said it was nice to see him too.  We talked a bit and found some stuff / people we knew in common.  Anyway it's just all weird to like someone and acknowlede they seem to like me and know I don't know him well enough to trust him.  Surely these last 2 boyfriends have taken my trust and taught me a lot, how vulnerable I am when I invest in someone who is untrustworthy.  This kind of love addiction cycle of a situation being "on" is something that is quite interesting.  I'd only seem him a few times months before at AA and there was "something" there.  I guess that's normal - it's just keeping healthy boundaries in any process.  I mean when I saw him on the street a few weeks ago he held out both his hands to take mine, and I gave him one.  It was kind of romantic.  I guess that's normal to feel that way about someone you're attracted to. I know exercise will help my stress.  I guess I escape in those love addiction fantasies to avoid stress.  When mom went on I just felt a pit in my stomach, I guess I need to change the way I respond and stop trying to rescue or control (which is exactly what I am trying to do when i see her doing exactly the same thing to someone else.) Yesterday I noticed an ad for a room for rent.  They're around, at the meetings.  It's kind of on my mind. I make less than 1/2 the pay I did at my last job.  I know it may help me detach from the family situation but I know it is something I'm not sure I'll do.  It would probably take half my pay now, and this is a temp job. I got emotional I cried at Jay Leno's last Tonight show episode.  I always wanted to see him on it.  I can't explain it- I guess it's just a sense of loss.  Tonight is the last episode of "Medium" and I love Patricia Arquette.  I actually feel loss about that, too.  It's odd I think.  I enjoy watching "The Bachelorette" with mom sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like to be on such a thing.  I guess I use TV to cope with stress, too.