Sunday I missed the marathon AA meetings and dance because I was avoiding R, and he did leave a msg saying he was at the dance and maybe I'd answer my phone so we could talk. Last night I read in the AA book about taking an inventory on resentments and I cried.  I am dealing with resentment towards R and I know how important it is for my recovery and relationships that I deal with this using the spiritual program of the steps, thank God.  I got a new look at that process as I think the way my sponsor outlined it for me I missed some of the concepts mentioned in the book, which are to recognize those we're resentful towards are spiritually sick and to pray for kindness, pity and patience towards them, and also instead of "burning" my list (like she suggested, but I DID keep a copy of those on it without all the other stuff), anyway this list and "our part" in the resentments are important to keep as this is how we'll make amends, the step I am so struggling with. So I went to Al Anon and usually get a "gut feeling" when I'll be asked to lead, and I was, and I shared about R and about detachment.  It's not just "physical" detachment which isn't always possible, anyway I felt encouraged that I could go to AA to the old timers meeting featuring my lovely Dick who is celebrating 60 years of sobriety next month (a legend!).  I didn't even see R and found myself missing him. I am apprehensive to check latest msgs (I don't even answer phone for unknown #'s anymore lately) I am too vulnerable, which is ok.I felt sad after meeting and instead of sulking went for lunch, on a walk around a park, to the store for some popcycles and a magazine and some things I needed, and took the dog on a long walk to pup park.  I come online at home which is a rarity w/ Dad's overuse of computer (online gambling - SIGH). Last night I read and wrote a letter to a friend who struggles with depression I found out, asking me how to get out of a "funk", something I surely deal with.  It is ALWAYS wonderful to have something to get us out of our own "junk" and help us feel useful, and it was exactly what I needed.  I felt sad to not feel I could go the dance because R was there and I couldn't bear seeing him on "friends" basis since I am not over him, or possibly have him show interest in me again or finalize the breakup, which is all just painful.  Why can't it just disappear?  I guess honestly that is how I feel, which is totally immature I know.  I just know I am avoiding him because I am avoiding a scene or an emotional outburst, since he is so nice, though I still don't trust him, and need to protect myself. I don't have a healthy history of dealing with relationships ending! I thought of the guy I dated end of last year and I ran into him, and there is just no emotional attachment, it's just over.  The relationship never got physical like with R or with my ex bf. My ex bf who I had so much trouble with over last year and the one before left me a msg yesterday for the first time since last year "I love you and hope you're doing ok".  ODD - someone told me though he moved out of state he was spotted locally.  Who knows.