5 msgs from R in 2 days.  The last one he didn't seem to realize he was leaving it.  I could hear him and a group of people having a conversation and hear him say he was going to give up for a while, after him saying 2nd day in a row, and ok she's going to play me like that or something.  So I don't answer my phone - leave a number if you want to talk to me.  I can't MAKE him be un-self centered, that is impossible - I can work on not being self centered myself and see he is sick in his addiction even if he's newly clean (and maybe he's not - he lied to me about it before, I'm DONE).  Apparently he seems to be surprized and disappointed I'm not taking his call, though he's left no call back # or any way to reach him in the last month or two since I heard from him last, when he'd said he'd call me back (1 1/2 months later, and he expects me to jump!).  I could hear a woman say he's tried to reestablish contact for two days.  I think I heard another girl say not to give up.   I have no idea what is going on and seek forgiveness and self esteem, to act with dignity and kindness. I realize with me, I am not going to disrespect myself (anymore) by being with someone like him who is only in a position to take, which brings out my giving which in my need for Al Anon is rather sick since he doesn't "have a pot to pee in" as my Mom would say and I am just DONE with caretaking his "sorry" ass (sorry for the rudeness.)  I don't want to be his friend either because I don't trust him and I'm not over him (maybe some day, but I doubt it).  He doesn't know this "me" - he knows the selfless me he could have exploited or continue to try to. I guess in my depression over this situation the last couple months I am actually stuffing some anger, which is coming up.  I believe in the theory of triangle of the victim, rescuer and persecutor - whichever role you start out in, you will end up playing all three (and so will the partner).  So there goes it - me in order of #1 rescuer - help him stay sober, support him, give him my time, $ and attention#2 victim - he abandoned me, lied to me, loved n left me#3 persecutor - I will punish him for what he did to me.I'm not saying it's all conscious at all times or healthy, I just know it is. His message left me feeling "deceitfully manipulated" - if he has something to say, leave me a msg saying it!  What could he possibly want that he can't say in a message?  That he's been out of town?  That he misses me or wants me back?  Or is it something manipulative, I feel - I don't know and I don't have to answer or play his game, and if I see him I can wave or say hi and leave if I want to, and say no I don't feel like talking right this moment, or I can listen to him, but why?  I don't trust him, and I've already told him, and it doesn't seem to matter - it seems he wants to try to contact me.  I don't know!  Maybe he thought I'd try to help him again and was counting on me.  I don't know!  I don't want anything to do with it. His last message he said he wanted to see how I'm doing - the first said he's calling "because" he's back in his old area.  I really don't want anything to do with him or his drug croud even if he is trying to stay sober, I just know it is healthier for me to vent here rather than towards him.