I've never gone this long without posting a journal here. Parents were on vacation for 2 weeks and I had a lot of solitude at home. I don't think I have heard from R though there were a lot of out of state calls from various states, which I did not answer.  I think it could have been him borrowing phones.  I don't know. It is hard to be abandoned by someone but my Al Anon help lets me know it is not my fault - he is an addict and alcoholic in his disease and his history is much like this, to dissappear, so what did I expect? I finally went to reregister to do background acting.  It seems slow right now. I finally got a library card so I could go online - computer at home is not letting me go online and Dad is always on it anyway. I am looking at job listings for a couple places and I do see one I could apply for, and I'm not sure if I will today or what. I'm too isolated.  I went to an MA meeting Sunday and encountered a pet peeve - when I was sharing a woman had a confused loook on her face.  It is isolating!  It's happened to me before.  I have a hard time making eye contact when I share.  I didn't want to share really but she sort of encouraged me.  She was the speaker and I enjoyed her very much.  The secretary had asked ME to speak that night, a month ago, and had forgotten I realized when he gave me a date to speak again.  Anyway I don't know what is going on.  I said yes and I actually was grateful not to speak because I have been feeling quite insecure. I seem to have put on weight as I ate alot lately.  I am also taking seriously the vegetarianism for the last month which has been interesting, but my poor drain, it feels a bit malnourished if I am not careful. Dad is pretty much a bully and mom a resentful caretaker of him and me, I am just this, adult living with my parents and feeling rather discouraged about my job situation, though I have absolutely no desire to go back to my old job. I had a pot using dream last night and yesterday the "one day at a time" motto kind of saved me from thinking I don't know how to cope sober, not that I think getting wasted would help, it's just I'm not doing great in the head right now, way too isolated and self centered. I know my steps 8 and 9 are an end to isolation and I do need to pray for willingness to DO THEM.  I had 3 old friends contact me last week.  With phone not ringing it was overwhelming.  I heard from an old using friend who got clean from pot without meetings. He did some very un-nice things to a very good friend of mine in the past, and I always just tried to overlook it. He asked in an unsupportive way "you still need those meetings?"  I felt defensive and he tried to withdraw his lack of support.  He wanted to have lunch and just talking to him bothered me and I told him I've been antisocial lately. An old close friend contacted me through myspace after she ignored me the last few times I tried to call her, trying to reach a mutual friend to make a financial amend about 1 1/2 years ago.  I had not talked to her before this in many years when she found my on myspace.  I decide she has not always been a very nice person to me and just brings up a lot of past issues of ego oriented behaviors, and also how she used to date guys after I did, I don't know I just find her to be unsafe and it is ok. Another old friend invited me to come up to Northern Cal and I am actually considering it.  He brought me up there to live with him before, and our roomate was the friend I had my last drink with.  Neither know I'm sober or in AA/MA.  I know it would be slippery to visit my No Cal friend, but I could go to meetings up there and even know some MA people from conventions.  I think it would be lovely to drive up there and take a vacation, maybe. My male friend keeps calling and I keep avoiding his calls, it feels pushy.  I was so abused and trampled over by my ex bf last year I just don't like people being persistant with me.  I have avoided him before because I don't want to deal with the man/woman thing and I don't want to talk to him. I suppose I'm rather isolated and negative and on the positive, I am keeping up my exercize routine (walks/yoga/some swimming), I did come out to use internet at library, which feels very self healing, and I am attempting to dabble in looking for work, and I am going to meetings daily, and I am clean and sober today, and that has to be enough sometimes.