Today I was overwhelmed at home. I learn a lot of codependency modeled in Mom.  Here I am trying to tell her not to try to change Dad, that it's insane.  I forget I am trying to change HER, and she doesn't see / want it.  So I'M insane (too).  He's an addict.  He's on the computer gambling basically non stop, so is very nonsupportive.  I told mom the thing about codependency is, are you helping someone who is getting better?  In codependency, our efforts to help often lead to the person with addiction becoming worse.  I see this.  It is frustrating. I called my Al Anon friend.  He would make a great AA sponsor.  I found out he's in Al Anon and asked about his recovery there, for sponsorship, a big step for me.  Why am I easier with men? (a mom issue likely).  He's gay so the difference in gender seems ok.  Though he's been in Al Anon about as long as in AA (19 years) he is not working steps or has a sponsor in that program, but he did remind me of tools.  I cried.  He said I need to take care of myself, that they have been together a lot longer than I've been around (true) and that they will be ok.  I can't "fix" them. I went to AA and shared on gratitude.  I was up late tossing and turning and worrying about work.  When I focus on what I am grateful for life is easier, it is healthier for me and I have a great tool to stay sober - grateful alcoholics stay sober.  I even got asked to help tutor a friend in math there, which is great.  He is a friend of R's.  I am so happy to "be of service" to be useful to others because of sobriety.  In my addiction I could not help others!  I offered to help not knowing who it was, and it turned out to be this sweet new friend who needs to pass a test. Extreme makeover home edition is in our local area this week. I am sad I haven't made it over to volunteer, as our school's construction management classes are involved.  Maybe tomorrow, despite the rain.  I hope I motivate myself to go.  I can help doing something even if cleaning, though painting or carpentry assistance would be fun, having some experience. Today I did go in and talk to my boss, finally, a month late. She needs to do some sort of assessment on me to see if I am able to be brought in as full time permanent with benefits.  It's almost terrifying and unnecessary.  I get by on so little, and more money brings more responsibility.  I've never had benefits. I've never wanted permanent work, but what a blessing.  I do like it - it's not monotonous, I get to give back, educator, I mean students do need help these days.  I have to turn it all over.  The students I'm tutoring in math are still failing - it takes a lot more than a little tutoring to get an accelerated college math class, and the class will be changed to more difficult this year.  And the admissions seems to let in people who are not scoring high on this, and the education is not improving.  Some local schools are shutting down due to CA budget.  Sadness.  I guess education is a way to give something back, that comes relatively easy to me, and not necessarily to others. I realize seeing R this week I am sort of reminded of past addicts in my life, their inability to cope.  I've been there.  Acceptance.  Accept him As Is.  I do feel gratful to get a better fit as far as the few guys I've dated since my ex bf and I broke up.  It's like, I am so grateful.  Im so glad I didn't settle, even though no one is perfect and there is always some compromising, I feel better about this in some ways, that I am not settling in some ways. Attraction.  Affection.  Good manners.  Chemistry.  I am grateful for these things.