I'm unable to access my DS friends page here while at work or to accept friendship invitations, for some reason those pages are blocked from work computer. I'll have to wait. Today I had a conversation with an aquaintance from my volunteer work who found a personal article linked to my email. It's embarassing. I'd submitted this terribly personal true story and perspective on my past and sexuality. I did change my email for the volunteer work. Anyway he wondered if he and his wife couldl take me to dinner I said, "Sure, maybe" which was funny. I get a vibe that maybe he's feeling me out, like for a swing a thing I'm not interested in, so I don't know how to bring that up. I don't know. I'm not sure. It just seems odd he's too "friendly". Hmmm. Today mom told me about drama with my sis. If it wasn't for my mom I'd know little. I know she kicked out her hubbie of nearly 20 years, and moved in a teen love last month the day he left a decade prison sentence, to live with her & her teen kids, one of whom was not even told he'd be moving in. She's pretty unaccountable, always pointing fingers. I guess she was my first abuser. I do love her and she does have wonderful qualities, but what's happening? And who am I to judge? Look at the guy I presently like - he's in a rehab! Her hubbie wanted custody when he found out about the situation, not having been told, and he wanted money, got an emergency hearing, and he was denied. Apparently he's hurt by the kids and angry, maybe because they didn't tell him? I am seeing when I talk to my sis I don't trust her much because she is not honest, and I hate hearing the he said she said and the hate - they used to pastor their own church! Where is God, where is church? They've gotten out of that. It's so weird. I have started to feel like the stuff mom tells me, is a triangle. Because if she didn't tell me, I wouldn't know. Is it gossip? I don't feel right telling her I don't want to hear about it. I care. I just know if I start to respond or use the information to go to the other person, I am in a big, unhealthy, ugly triangle (figuring this out). It hurts to think I am valued so little that I am not a part of what is going on, as far as being involved. Except for Mom. It's always been that way. It's really disappointing. All I can do is pray for God to soften their hearts and take care of myself. I also hope my bro in law uses this opportunity to heal his anger. I have a cold and I'm tired of working, and home is not real restful because the second I walked in today mom was (and often is) overwhelmed with not being able to "get it all done" and Dad is as usual stuck to his computer, and his hearing is really deteriorating the last few years. I have a 3 day weekend and the thought of rest seems unfair to know of all the household responsibilities mom takes on. I rent a room! I wouldn't want a house to be burdened with, but it is a place I share and I feel responsible. I wish counselor would call me back but I know she was just for the domestic violence (verbal/emotional abuse) and I need a counselor to help me with my boundaries. Including with R the other night, the new guy, I let myself have loose boundaries. I think of seeing him as being a sort of escape, a pasttime. I don't know what that is all about I just know we seem to enjoy eachother's company, but with him drunk the other night, at least he was honest about it. God has a sense of humor. Exercise helps a lot with my stress level. I walked the dog despite feeling run down. The nature and sunset and still falling leaves and birds and colors are all healing.