My heart is a little broken as I see some people leaving the site and some feeling a lack of support here. It is such a big world and no one in particular can smooth everything over and make all the boo boos go away and make it all pretty. I am sad tonight.  I had a flood gate of tears open when mom pushed my buttons and I characteristically got defensive. I've been in a lot of self pity that I have not made amends at all in '08 and I feel I am not making the progress I'd like in this area, that it is keeping me in self centeredness and fear. My phone rang and it was an unfamiliar # and I didn't answer it.  It was a woman from the AA meetings calling on me, I got the message.  I remembered how I mentioned to her when I got a phone call before a meeting a couple weeks ago that my phone goes days without ringing.  I feel emotional about so much today and continue to cry.  I really struggle with reaching out.  I really isolate too much.  It felt good that she called and touched me. I had a pot using dream last night and it was so vivid with taking hits and wanting more, so memorable as a way of life for me, though years in the past, thank God. I got a message from the last guy I dated who drives me crazy.  He said someone just called him and hung up, and then "click".  Whatever.  It wasn't me!  I guess he still thinks I hate him. I still don't call him back because he tends to think I want to get together when I do call, and I don't want anything to do with him but I do want us to be nice to eachother. This too shall pass. Next week I am due back at work and due to work my other job and I am not looking forward to the business and overtime.  Be Here Now my sponsor reminds me (story of my life).  She suggested a brisk walk and meditation.  I was crying so hard.  I walked to the park to get away from the arguing with mom.  I was crying to hard to walk, not wanting people to notice.  I am a swollen eyed cryer. I need to stop complaining and express gratitude in all I do.  I am not supposed to be perfect.  I am just tired of the complainer and self pity person I have become and I really need to get out my list of amends and write some amends letters, no one will do it for me. I need to ask God for help and to remain willing, or pray for the willingness to be willing as my sponsor says. Happy New Year All.