My heart is a little broken as I see some people leaving the site and some feeling a lack of support here. It is such a big world and no one in particular can smooth everything over and make all the boo boos go away and make it all pretty. I am sad tonight. I had a flood gate of tears open when mom pushed my buttons and I characteristically got defensive. I've been in a lot of self pity that I have not made amends at all in '08 and I feel I am not making the progress I'd like in this area, that it is keeping me in self centeredness and fear. My phone rang and it was an unfamiliar # and I didn't answer it. It was a woman from the AA meetings calling on me, I got the message. I remembered how I mentioned to her when I got a phone call before a meeting a couple weeks ago that my phone goes days without ringing. I feel emotional about so much today and continue to cry. I really struggle with reaching out. I really isolate too much. It felt good that she called and touched me. I had a pot using dream last night and it was so vivid with taking hits and wanting more, so memorable as a way of life for me, though years in the past, thank God. I got a message from the last guy I dated who drives me crazy. He said someone just called him and hung up, and then "click". Whatever. It wasn't me! I guess he still thinks I hate him. I still don't call him back because he tends to think I want to get together when I do call, and I don't want anything to do with him but I do want us to be nice to eachother. This too shall pass. Next week I am due back at work and due to work my other job and I am not looking forward to the business and overtime. Be Here Now my sponsor reminds me (story of my life). She suggested a brisk walk and meditation. I was crying so hard. I walked to the park to get away from the arguing with mom. I was crying to hard to walk, not wanting people to notice. I am a swollen eyed cryer. I need to stop complaining and express gratitude in all I do. I am not supposed to be perfect. I am just tired of the complainer and self pity person I have become and I really need to get out my list of amends and write some amends letters, no one will do it for me. I need to ask God for help and to remain willing, or pray for the willingness to be willing as my sponsor says. Happy New Year All.
Replies
Crying is good for you...drink lots of water...I wish that someone could kiss away all your tears but that usually doesn\'t happen...you won\'t die from crying...and you are not alone...I remember crying all day (one time in early recovery ) that when the phone rang it was a job offer and I told the guy who called to set up an interview that I was busy crying ...could I call him back later... well ten years later I worked with that guy who became my supervisor and he felt changed by that interaction...made him think about what he was not feeling...I pray that I might do god\'s will today and he will give me the strength to carry it out...crying got out a lot of the anger, guilt and helped me accept me.
Is there anything I can do to help stop the tears..please please know I will listen. We can talk.
Allow me to help..reachout and I will take your hand and listen
chin up.
M
Thanks for the compassionate responses :) Feeling better - getting the tears out usually helps.
((((((hugssssssssss))))))))))Your not alone sweetie. So many people are here to listen. I hope this new year will bring you strength inside yourself and more happiness in your life... Take care and know that we all wish you some peace and happiness!