Last week I trained for new work position.  I started here in March in the student center for 3 months, then taught for 6 months.  We assess and tutor students.  It is real quiet today.  It is my first day without any training.  I think the guy who was fired knew some stuff that the girl who is training me doesn't.  I feel sad for him, but hope he is happier elsewhere.  He didn't seem happy.  He trained me originally.  I almost didn't want the position because of this "corporate" behavior, to let a guy know he was fired moments before he's walked out, never to return, a termination on his resume, after being here years.  I don't know if I will live up to whatever expectation he didn't meet. This place can drive me crazy.  It is shades of good and bad.   I know I don't know everything, but the other women here is very helpful.  She also has a fun energy as she is good at what she does.  I am learning about myself from her, how passive I can be, and how I second guess myself, and tend to be too easy.  She is positive and firm, I am weak in some ways. The math class ended last week, with the few people on probation getting the F's in the class, thus being terminated from a private college they owe $ to.  They place graduating students in jobs.  I feel sorry for them.  They either were not here to do the work or didn't do the work.  I have made peace with not blaming myself and know they got exactly what they earned. I almost turned down this new position.  I am relieved I gave it a try.  "Permanent" is too stressful to think about for me, I'll have to ease into that when the time comes to discuss it.  I am used to part time and temporary positions.  And the thought of benefits, for the first time in my life, is perplexing.  I don't tend to run to the doctor, in fact I don't trust most of them, being more into natural medicine and things like nutrition, herbs, homeopaty, acupuncture than western medicine, and I don't really agree with the pharmaceutical companies to a large degree.  Go to a Dr instead of the clinic for annual exams?  What a concept.  I would rather stick with what is familiar, but change can be good.  Maybe I can even have a baby.  That's why I was here, because my coworker was on maternity leave. It has been hard to do the normal holiday preparation of shopping and even sending cards because I mismanaged my last pay check and have to wait until I get paid in a couple days, and don't tend to shop late in the season.  Excuses.  I just pulled out my decorations today.  Mom has done the house all up beautifully, as always.   I am starting my seasonal temporary job on Monday, in addition to this one (though this one is closed down during the holidays).  So I will be busy, which is good I guess.  I am looking forward to being at the seasonal job for the college radio station where I volunteer.  I am glad I get called back the 4th year in a row now, and I am grateful I am able to accept it.  Thing is, aside from the boss, those college kiddies seem to be getting younger, but I am the one getting older!  And my b-day is the week after Christmas, so it is a loaded time of year for me. I saw Mr (used to be) Now on Saturday at the meeting where we both attend, and he completely ignored me, wouldn't even look at me!  I said hi when I got a chance, and he said hi as if he didn't know I was there.  Yeah right!  He's doing the best he can.  I got asked to lead a meeting for the "Alcathon" of marathon meetings during the few days around Christmas, and chose the topic of the 11th step - the guy signing me up said Mr New also signed up for that topic.  I asked if I should change it, and he said no.  So I got a call from him today, saying he was asked to change his topic because I had the same one.  He knows I watch "The Price is Right " (I'm so glad Drew Carey is doing it now, the old host seemes so "over it")  Anyway, one of the guys got the price of the "showcase" on the dollar, and won both showcases, which hasn't happenend in 35 years.  The phone rang and I knew it was him, asking if I saw it.  He tapes one of those soap operas that follow the show, so he says he watches it sometimes. So he asked why I chose his topic, if I was mad at him and trying to steal his meeting!  It was a coincidence I said, and explained.  Anyway, he said to call him anytime. I said "thanks".  He said he'd try to go to my meeting!  I found a guided meditation script that is after the 11th step in the AA book I hope to follow. I have a little crush on one of the guys there who I immediately liked the first time I saw him over a year ago.  It is interesting.  He is now the secretary, and I am a co-treasurer.  Sometimes I get a little vibe from him, but don't quite trust my intuition.  Anyway, accept it, enjoy it, but no need to act on it.  I feel like after dating 3 guys after breakup with my ex bf 6 months ago, I am finally ready to not date.  Mr Now and I have not dated in over a month.  It does feel good to let myself not act like a fool trying to impress, and just observe.  I am considering purchasing a pay per minute cell phone number instead of paying what turns out to be nearly $50 a month for a phone that basically goes days without ringing.  I was in such self pity and insecurity the last few days for isolating, which was the topic at Al Anon yesterday.  I felt like I am too much in the problem (rather than in the solution) that I didn't share.  I got up today and had some sunshine peek through this morning, which really cheered me up.  I do love that sun.  I sat in it and warmed up after a very cold and rainy day yesterday. Tomorrow is the womens AA meeting Christmas lunch, and I thought work would interfere, so don't have the funds for the meal or the gift exchange, and not sure if I'll borrow money from mom for a day so I can go.  I wish I were more assertive and less hard on myself.