Thanksgiving was nice.  Sis had some news about her personal life she'd already told me and she was ready to tell Mom.  I didn't want to do it on the holiday and exclude the other family members, but went along.  She's back with a teen love who has been in prison and getting out next month.  She's newly separated after nearly 20 years in what appeared to be a good marriage, anyway appearances deceive.  And she has teen children, so Mom had a clue to the details but is still concerned, as am I.  She wanted to ask me about my recovery program, because he needs one.  So my Al Anon issues are pressing, because I am in unfamiliar ground here, and I'm suggesting she get support there, too, and that's all I can really do.  I don't want to become a caretaker to what is someone much like my ex, not well established inlife outside of prison, or should I say not self sufficient.  Sigh.   It was nice to have my cousin in recovery join us.  I like having fellowship in the family - that is awesome.  One of his 3 brothers is also in recovery and got his 9 month chip.  I'm so happy.  It's heartbreaking to watch boys like brothers ruin their lives.  I rarely saw them in adulthood except at their dad's memorial, and they were getting loaded.  That hurt.  I'd been clean and sober one month when that happened, and talked to the cousin who joined us about my new life.  That was neat.  So I am so glad the program is working for him, too. Well the last conversation I had with Mr Now was on Tuesday.  I said that "I don't think it's going to work out" (the relationship).  He called me later and left a message to confirm if we're still going to see eachother anymore or just say hi when we run into eachother. He wanted to talk and work it out, after saying not to call him unless I didn't want to talk and just wanted to go to a movie or dinner (?)  I guess saying I love him could have been taken all the wrong way.  This is personal language, what this means.  It was not appropriate here, though we've said it before - friends say it all the time!  I didn't want to deal with his call and just didn't return his call.  I don't feel great about that, but realize the action may speak louder than the words since he notoriously doesn't hear me and I've been giving him variations of this news for 2 weeks now and he doesn't get it.  Yes I did give him mixed signals in saying "I do care about him and this is why this is hard".  Anyway, so I feel some freedom.  I even accepted a co-treasurer position at he meeting where I usually see him.  He hasn't been there - he told me "it's yours", which upset me and I told him so.  So he said maybe he'd go after all when I explained.  I don't know! Today a girl I used to know from the meetings asked if I'm still with my ex bf.  No.  I went into a little detail about avoiding our old meeting, where I know her from, to respect my privacy - I don't want attending AA meetings to be about hearing about "him".  Leaving the womens meeting I attend there, I saw my ex's best friend/roomate, who i cried too a month after we broke up. Today I kept walking.  The girl said she was surprized we were a couple, because I seem so quiet.  I don't know what that meant.  We were an odd couple.  Yeah, he was real outspoken. A couple weeks ago I texted over and over to what was probably not his current cell # since he's moved out of state.  I feel some relief, release and detatchment since.  I haven't expressed *&%$ since the breakup.  I had promised not to tell him I knew of his lie, which is BS now.  That news broke us up.  A lot of crying has helped.  Staying out of another relationship helps.  I dreamed of repeatedly acting out violently towards him last night. I think I need to take a big long hike to get some emotions out.  I tend to get angry or resentful in life and take it out on the most "appropriate" "target" (sick, I know.)  Sigh.  Good thing it never got to that.  It used to before I got clean and sober. I've been upset with my boss.  Another teacher said they get paid 2 hours prep time a day versus my 45 minutes.  So.  I asked her if I could talk to her about my unpaid prep hours in an email - 99% of communication there is email.  She said sure.  Now what?  I am intimidated by her.  And in 2 weeks my class is over and I may not have another one, and have a part time temporary job I am so looking forward to to have an adjustment in the type of responsibility I am used to having.  I may blow it off.  I don't know.  It makes me want to quit to work somewhere that is unfair like that. Several people are failing math, which is upsetting.  I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make her drink.  The school is geared towards students who were not college bound, to basically place them in a job upon graduation in an accelerated program.  I feel this is a result of a failed US/CA school system. Frustrating.  Two A's Though!  They haven't done their prerequisite study plan in math which is since being enforced fornewer students.  Anyway, I can't work harder than them.  Help is available if they want it. Tomorrow I get to meet some women from AA at the local doggie park I usually take puppy to a few times a week. I will be neat to meet and compare pets :)   I felt very hurt at one of the meetings this week when a few other women were "should-ing" on me - one women even told me she "knew" I wanted to get married and have a few kids!  I never said that.  I said recently there is still time for me to have a child, God willing.  I don't usually pray for specific things, but for God's will.  Anyway I was like, if you say so, but I didn't handle it well because it felt violating.  She means well, it's just such a misunderstanding that I find upsetting.  I don't think so!  I certainly don't need that to be happy!  Whatever.  Then some ladies gave me a hard time telling me I shouldn't have moved a table.  I said I wouldn't pick up something too heavy for me.  So they tried to tell me not to and how to pick something up, and I went along, but felt put down.  Like, defensive.  I am strong, I said.  I hate it when people "should" on me - I am too hard on myself and am freeing myself from doing it to myself, and need to tell other people I don't always appreciate that?  I don't feel comfortable saying that.  "You could be right" seems to be a good response, for next time :)