Here is a pretty cool song about "When I grow up I want to be an old woman."  My sponsor sent it on, having seen it on a Kaiser commercial (health insurance).  I just love it and was pleased to find out she does, too.  I love the message of the title. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q15PlMFQdMg&eurl=http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/michelle_shocked/when_i_grow_up.html So here I am after a couple days of not contacting Mr Now.  I think as bad as it got, going back would just be extending it.  It hurts.  And it brought up a lot, that argument Saturday.  I ended up trying to contact my ex for the first time in 2 months, I sent a barage of texts during the night.  I think since he's moved out of state that cell phone # is no longer good.  Anyway!  I didn't bother to call it and check.  No response from him so I figure he didn't get them (?).  If he did it's ok. They were venting and healing and I am ok with it, all just a way for me to get some closure since I left him without so much as a word - I was asked to keep the revealing of his deep dark secret (which he didn't acknowledge) I found out from his ex father in law, to keep it from my ex - so how could I get closure?  Later I found out the father told him after all.  My ex denies it was a lie (This happened around June 19 so you could check that journal for gory details :/ )  So arguing with Mr Now about my ex just brought up so much, I guess some of it is blame, like I'm not ready to date and it's his fault (it's NOT - it is MY work to do). OK so here are the books I am currently reading... "There's more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking" by Dr. Paul O.  Love it!  There is some real useful stuff on overcoming insomnia, for recovering alcoholics or "regular folk" (however you want to refer to nonalcoholics).  It occured to me I need to pull out his several-times-read-by-me "You can't make me angry" - what am I thinking to have not picked this up in so long? I'm reading "In the meantime" by Iyanla Van Zant, who I love from Starting Over, a program that was on the air a few years ago, about life coaches changing womens lives in this starting over home.  I just loved that show!  Mom and I even went to the casting call!  My life goal wasn't real clear and they wouldn't really have accepted it afterall, wanting to publish my diaries.  Anyway, I also met her at a Starting Over appearance and it was so neat!  The book is helping me recognize how to be honest about myself, my emotions and feelings and needs - very eye opening, and helpful with this situation with Mr Now (Then). I am reading "The New Assertive Woman" from the 70's, something I read about 10 years ago.  It could really help me because I need some tools, and this is a way to carry my honesty into the world in a helpful way. I am reading "Boundaries in Dating" by Townsend and Cloud.  Good stuff.  Part of the "Boundaries" series, I book I have dabbled in but yet to complete in study (with the workbook).  Loaded stuff. I have been using "It's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt.  That has helped me a lot and gotten me into the sollution and I think moved me along in a way I hadn't yet in this breakup. I pulled out the much used "The verbally abusive relationship - How to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. I needed it after the argument with Mr Then, and it was so telling - he was all over it.  Categories of abuse such as discounting, trivializing, blaming and accusing, abusive anger.  Anyway, good thing I recognize it.  I may have to change up some of my meetings for a bit to avoid him, though don't want to.  I don't know.  I know I'm still vulnerable and don't want to get into any arguments. The book helps to give a label to the situation and know I am not alone and it is NOT ok - which I told him.  It is not ok.  He called me anyway as if nothing was wrong, left a message.  I didn't return it. It's not healthy for me. I like to go into the bath and pull out the books and read a bit of each one.  It's an enjoyable ritual.