I am relieved my new math class seems to be going well, compared to the other math class I taught in June, the first class ever for me at this job.  I will have learned from my mistakes.  We are all girls there which is kind of neat, because I have been wishing for women in my life.  I am pretty shy so it is interesting to be put in that position of being in the front of the class.  So far, so good.  We'll take our first quiz Monday which I'm excited about.  They seem on the ball and pretty well behaved.  I feel blessed and challenged. I get insomnia during the full moon, which was last night.  I accomplished 60 days of not accepting contact from my ex, as suggested by book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" (Greg Behrendt), a book and author I love.  I just felt sad.  I cried a lot.  I had a friend who really helped me over a year ago when our breakups began.  She moved to another area recently and I cried when she shared about it.  I called today and left a msg and said I wanted to visit her.  An attempt to reach out. She is someone I really admire who works a wonderful 12 step program.  I need good role models like that.  My counselor even suggested that some of my other friends I talked to about my ex, that maybe I've "outgrown" them or maybe I'm healthier than them.  I did think about their relationships as not being ones I'd want to model my own after, in fact. That was an interesting perspective.  I need to talk about what I've been through. Yesterday at counseling I went over my pro and con list of Mr Now.  He is not abusive now, but he can be controlling and just doesn't seem to hear me, and just insensitive and inconsiderate at times, if unintentionally.  Good thing is he wants to work on these things, but I don't suppose how he could without getting counseling - it is not up to me to change him (drill this into my head).  I was all convinced I'd tell him I didn't feel ready to date, then when I saw him to do some typing for him, my feelings for him were stronger than my desire to not be involved.  So that's where I am at, perpetually it seems, not quite sure I'm doing the right thing and yet not changing. I just feel tired today.  I cried so hard last night, which was healing.  I remembered that important conversation I had with my woman friend about my first real breakup with ex last year, and how emotional it was to share what I was going through and truly get help, support, love and feedback and through applying the 12 steps in the situation.  I am blessed to know her, and it is good to feel that "crack" open - that I can share with someone - I mean I have told exactly one friend about the situation surrounding the breakup, and that was through email, with very little follow up.  I have told my mom and my counselor also.  I need to talk about it.  It's been 5 months. I told Mr Now I am not ready to get into a relationship, since I have been out of this one so many months and I am still not over it.  The thing is, that is MY boundary to upkeep - he can't keep it for me, it is up to me, especially realizing he doesn't seem to hear what I say.  Because it's kind of like I'm in one with him.  He said he feels dumb because he wishes I wanted to spend as much time with him as he does with me.  I said my time is important as his and I need time to myself. I am in a little self pity with the lack of girlfriends.  In the last year of attending different meetings, I had exactly two women ask for my # (though I probably didn't reach out to anyone myself except for one girl who needed a sponsor who doesn't return my calls anymore, an old friend from jr high/high school.).  One I was friendly with, and hadn't seen lately, and I called her.  She was kind of short with me so it didn't really encourage me.  Neither of those women ever called me.  I am tired of it and I know I need to reach out to people and stop expecting them to reach out to me. I am tired and weepy.  I enjoy laying low and just watching TV and resting.  It is a beautiful warm day and I felt too depressed to go out to my normal meeting or to the gym or even to walk the dog, and I turned down making plans with Mr Now for now.  I am going through grief and loss over having broken up with my ex and having developed a painful and debilitating resentment against him, who was someone I loved and was my best friend and now, I just won't deal with, and now he's moved away.  It is just hard.  I need to let it go, and the 12 steps could really help me, and I hope this women calls me back - at least I reached out :)