Teaching a new math class (new classes every 5 weeks) and have a lot of anxiety on this 2nd day of class, because of the differences compared to the first time I taught this class that seem to be detriments, and NEEDING a positive attitude and to surrender it all to God.  Anyway I can't make them behave the way I want, I can only be prepared when they don't :) Dad is home from hospital since Sunday and feeling better :)  He told mom I had been so nice to him, which was a painful clue that I need to "up" my living amends and treat him nicer, despite how "justified" I feel in expressing anger towards him (yes he was verbally abusive to me and my family, but has mellowed). On way to work I drive past the place where I last saw my ex a few weeks ago and just kept going.  Thinking about him having moved out of state and me not talking to anyone about it is painful.  I can talk to my mom and counselor, thank God.  I need some friends to talk to but I cringe at the thought of getting feedback that is painful - I don't want to hear about how he's been doing, it hurts too much because I was so lied to and deceived and I don't want to go into that.  I am still dealing with grief and loss of the relationship. So Mr Now, yesterday he came with me on a nice 2 hr 5 mi. hike and it was lovely, but again my feelings got hurt a few times, and I realized it later how much it bothered me.  I'm rather out of touch with these things as a result of abuse and all sort of other dysfunctions I live with, meaning I don't deal with stuff when it happens all the time like I want to learn to do.  So I am getting in closer touch with my "emotional honesty" and I do need to set a boundary and learn I can't change him, and not sure I want to take the time to try to help an inconsiderate and insensitive person change - he isn't really aware of it except to know it's a problem and he is trying to change it - anyway so that's where I am at.  I just told him I need to talk to him and my feelings got hurt a few times.  What I think is that neither of us probably want me pointing out every thing he does which he is doing unintentionally, it sounds exhausting.   Red flags?  He doesn't listen to me as he asks me the same thing repeatedly and forgets.  He also doesn't really ask much about me, but tends to gossip or talk about himself.  Some other things are just inconsiderate and I am already tired of it.  I am supposed to do some typing for him tomorrow.  He offered to pay me and I have learned he accepts money from his mom and I don't want to accept that anymore.  Not a good situation - he's in school and gets financial aid, but I am learning just because I live w/ mom and pay rent (though often late) and support myself doesn't necessarily mean that since he lives with his mom he supports himself (doesn't).  Counselor says he seems real immature which I agree and relate to in a way to a point but come on, anyway it is probably time to say goodbye.  This weekend I got mad when he called to say he said goodbye to my ex because he's moving and I'm like I have told you over and over I don't want to hear about him...  He doesn't have the boundaries that are healthy for me. I told him he doesn't hear me when I say no and it isn't healthy for me.  So I didn't hang out with him that day - good choice. Thanks for letting me vent.  Time to go to class :) I really need to reach out to some girlfriends or should I say find some.