The weight of the world can feel heavy, and it's not my burden to bear, I must remember, and turn it over to God. Today is dad's bday and he's a little sad at the hospital - worried, weak, sick, a little discouraged. He told mom I've been real nice to him. Hmm - I guess that is something I must need to work on with him that I have become aware of now - good to know but uncomfortable. I went to see him and he may actually get to come home next week if his blood count goes up - his red blood cells have been destroying themselves, and are gradually raising a bit at a time, back and forth. We'll see - we're also waiting on a biopsy of his spleen. I got up real early and did my self "makeover" day - I have been cutting my own hair for most of my adult life - I used to date a hairdresser and figured I learned enough. Sometimes it comes out better than others. I put on a temporary copper red - it's a bit on the extreme side. People notice me more I realize, it is bright. It will fade and wash out in a couple weeks. I don't really like drawing attention to myself these days so it's a little awkward, but it is a fun distraction. I ended up taking a long nap tonight, and it feels good to self impose a "me" day - I'm not feeling "it" with Mr Now, as nice as he is, I just need some space and I realize he is on the needy side, and it's not real mutual as in "I need to see you it would be nice to see you call me when can I see you..." I may need to have a conversation with him - in fact I do, and I don't expect he will understand, but as long as I am clear with my boundaries, it is up to ME to uphold them, not expect someone else to once I announce them (as I've often mistakenly done). The sharing meetings thing is not something I want to get involved in AGAIN. And he doesn't get it, and probably won't. "Go to the meeting I'm going to and vice versa" - NOT - keep recovery separate, and I really DON'T need to be meeting men in meetings - where else do I meet people? Not many other places I'm involved in actually. I got a hug last night from one of my two independent study students who finished the class - he graduated. Cool. I found out the math class I teach starting next week ends at 7:40pm versus 10:15pm - yay. Better schedule. :) Not really prepared but I've taught it before so I am pre-prepared due to having done preparation back in June/July. So we'll see - I've had such a lax schedule the last month it will be a little stretch, but good for me. A real big thing happened with my sis. I never told her about my addiction/alcholism or my recovery. A thing came out with her - since her separation this summer, she reconnected with her first love, which she asked me to keep secret - which is feeling real uncomforable, and I really need to discuss this with my sponsor - secrets of any kind are not real healthy, yet I did say I'd respect her need for privacy at this time before even knowing what the news was. Here is my PHD student and professional woman sis who is planning to take in a fellow just coming out of prison (10 years for theft at this time, though he is sober now). He's all tattooed, with her kids at home, and they do know about it, and my mom doesn't and dad doesn't, and it's all just overwhelming and scary, though I showed full support and understanding - my ex too had been in prison and the whole tattoo prison persona was so hard to get past and imagine him meeting my family, but I got through it, and she will too, but the kids? And finding out they're not doing well in school - teens - and their parents were drop outs so what do we expect? Oh and this man is in recovery, so what my sis asked is what kind of meetings do I attend, and I was able to tell her a bit that I was into childhood drinking and developed a bad problem with pot when I lived on my own - I had been so scared for so long to tell her and said there was a lot of shame that I'm slowly getting past by attending meetings. She said that was good. I think she said she knew about he childhood drinking. It will be interesting to have more conversation with her about this. Yay, a big leap towards making amends with her :) She asked for my support and said it had been easy to tell me and that I said a lot of helpful things to her, and she didn't judge me AT ALL either for my situation. So now he knows I am someone "in the family" who can maybe guide him - and I am encouraging her due to my own Al Anon issues to try to let him do the searching and seeking as much as possible for his recovery, versus "helping" him. So I'm thinking of people I could connect with or reconnect with that I could refer him to, since he's expressed interest in this. He's getting out of prison next month and will probably come stay with her, and mom and I have figured she's seeing someone out of the area, and mom has no idea about this besides that, and how do I let go and let God? She may be terrified for the children. I don't know - maybe I need to be more careful with promising to keep secrets before I know what they are. It was neat that she could come to me, and she apologized and said she'd wanted to tell me so bad. She is in love and anyway I feel so much like she is going through an experience I have been through with my ex - and if he was around how much of a role model he would have previously been for this man (before relapse and insanity set in and such) - a lot of people thought of my ex as this model AA person because he'd apparantly turned his life around. I don't know. I have knowledge in the last two days he's moved out of state, and continue with no contact, and it is so hard and there is loss there. As far as the guy I dated a month ago, I remember that last week before I put a stop to it how he never called again like he said he would, but continued to flirt and email and want to see me, so he said. I remember seeing him that Friday night at the meeting, and he used to say that Fri was "our" day - whatever, like I'm his 'once a week' girl - and he used to say he only likes to date one person at a time. So I'd gone to thank the speaker that night and saw him talking to a girl and left without going up to him - I figured if he's not coming up to me, why should I go to him, if he's not searching out me but talking to this other girl, anyway good for me. I'd already known I needed to tell him I couldn't date. And I did that on that Monday. And last night I saw them two together at another meeting, and I felt sort of mislead, and like I stopped the situation without really internalizing that he was "just not that into" me due to his behavior, and I guess there was some ungrieved loss about that, too. Funny yesterday afternoon at the meeting I was feeling more like a friend to him, and had a rare interaction with him- we usually just say hi anymore- then to see him with her last night, and even offer me a cigarette as I searched for my keys outside and I said I don't smoke and he kind of laughed - like he'd forgotten. Anyway so I'm SO glad I didn't give into his selfish - yuck - propositions even knowing what he's capable of. Good thing I stopped that relationship when I did. Live and learn. Anyway it just brings up some work I have to do with not taking personal other people's behavior and keeping my eyes open.