I am so grateful for my counselor.  I am gaining a lot of insight about how my boundaries aren't quite respected with Mr Now.  It is real important for me to notice because it is not healthy for me.  I am feeling empowered and strengthened to have some understanding and feedback from her.  She's known me for about 6 years, since I was still a bikini dancer  (hard to admit but true) and using pot daily.  I need to uphold that I told him I don't want to make plans tomorrow.   It is dad's bday and I'll see him in the hospital.  They are still ruling out other issues - his spleen looked a little funny so they may biopsy it if the radiologist thinks it's necessary.  He is making progress and then going backwards a bit - I think his red blood cell blood count changes based on the blood they are adding to him and then it could continue to break down until the hemolysis resolves itself.  It's all very out of my hands.  I know mom is freaking out a bit today.  Yesterday she was joking about it "poisoning" her husband with food we had no idea could lead to coma with his previously unknown condition.  Today she is worried, and I reminded her her worry could cause his worry.  I seek to TURN IT OVER, LET GO AND LET GOD, LIVE AND LET LIVE, all those recovery program mottos that keep me in the solution that I am NOT in control.  I'll take him a card and a plant and some fruit for his bday tomorrow.  I want to take a "me" day, and I'm inspired by the support here to do a little self care grooming of my little routine I used to do once a month - hair trim, mani-pedicure, facial, even a little temporary color boost, and a LONG bath - who CARES if Mr New may not like it (different hair)!  I could use a little color (red on my dark blonde).  Anyway, I do it all myself so it's FREE.  I'd rather do that than hang out with him when I am feeling not over my ex - he moved out of state and I'm sad, there is loss there.  I hate having no closure - counselor says I will never have friendship with him as he is an abuser.  That is hard.  I know I need to read on assertiveness and boundaries - I got all these good affirmations on keeping healthy boundaries yesterday.  I know I need to work on things to improve me instead of go "blindly" into situations that are not healthy for me, that leave me "submissive" when this is a route I have been down a thousand times, and it doesn't work for me.  I am not Mr Now's Yes girl and I need to get out of worrying how he is going to take it - I have to stand up for myself because those little things that don't feel right are core values of mine that I am compromising - counselor suggests pro and con list on good and bad things about him, with weighted items.  Glad I have some work to do on it.