I am so grateful for my counselor. I am gaining a lot of insight about how my boundaries aren't quite respected with Mr Now. It is real important for me to notice because it is not healthy for me. I am feeling empowered and strengthened to have some understanding and feedback from her. She's known me for about 6 years, since I was still a bikini dancer (hard to admit but true) and using pot daily. I need to uphold that I told him I don't want to make plans tomorrow. It is dad's bday and I'll see him in the hospital. They are still ruling out other issues - his spleen looked a little funny so they may biopsy it if the radiologist thinks it's necessary. He is making progress and then going backwards a bit - I think his red blood cell blood count changes based on the blood they are adding to him and then it could continue to break down until the hemolysis resolves itself. It's all very out of my hands. I know mom is freaking out a bit today. Yesterday she was joking about it "poisoning" her husband with food we had no idea could lead to coma with his previously unknown condition. Today she is worried, and I reminded her her worry could cause his worry. I seek to TURN IT OVER, LET GO AND LET GOD, LIVE AND LET LIVE, all those recovery program mottos that keep me in the solution that I am NOT in control. I'll take him a card and a plant and some fruit for his bday tomorrow. I want to take a "me" day, and I'm inspired by the support here to do a little self care grooming of my little routine I used to do once a month - hair trim, mani-pedicure, facial, even a little temporary color boost, and a LONG bath - who CARES if Mr New may not like it (different hair)! I could use a little color (red on my dark blonde). Anyway, I do it all myself so it's FREE. I'd rather do that than hang out with him when I am feeling not over my ex - he moved out of state and I'm sad, there is loss there. I hate having no closure - counselor says I will never have friendship with him as he is an abuser. That is hard. I know I need to read on assertiveness and boundaries - I got all these good affirmations on keeping healthy boundaries yesterday. I know I need to work on things to improve me instead of go "blindly" into situations that are not healthy for me, that leave me "submissive" when this is a route I have been down a thousand times, and it doesn't work for me. I am not Mr Now's Yes girl and I need to get out of worrying how he is going to take it - I have to stand up for myself because those little things that don't feel right are core values of mine that I am compromising - counselor suggests pro and con list on good and bad things about him, with weighted items. Glad I have some work to do on it.
Replies
i wish ur dad a happy, get healthy fast birthday tomarrow! and NO u are NOT Mr News or anyone elses \"yes girl\"!!! and standing up for urself NOW is the BEST time to do it, ya kno. u need to be UR OWN YES GIRL! u hear me? now do whatever it is that U want to do with ur hair, face or anything else!!! hope ur dad feels better for his bday and that u hava great day as well. ill keep u and ur family in my prayers. God bless~~
I so agree with your counselor re the X, my mother is also toxic to me, and I have been ordered by therapist to never have any more contact. That is so hard, because of how society judges you for not talking to your mother. But toxic people deplete us and we lose our power.
So you are going to have a Mani-Pedi today, I am totally jealous. We here in the \"Land that Time Forgot\" know nothing of such things, I really miss California. Hope your Dad has a wonderful Birthday, and that his recovery is progressing well. I can\'t really tell how you actually feel about Mr. New, seems that you are still trying to define boundries. I understand that, as rushing into anything will be counterproductive, and may just end up a disaster. As for closure with Mr. X, I wish I had closure with my mother too, but have been professionally advised that this is not an option. Not gonna happen. I so understand how you feel though. Well that\'s it for now. Have a good one, Happy Birthday DAD!!!!
I hope your dad feels much better soon.
Good for you on figuring out things with mr. new. I know how hard that can be, they steamroller over you. I certainly know what you\'re talking about worrying how they\'re going to react. You want to know the real him right, so you have to be the Real You. I\'m glad you\'re taking time to take care of yourself, too, that\'s important.
I would have liked to be friends with my ex abuser too but it is not possible. I wish I could say it was!!! Hugs and PEACE