I've settled into some resentment towards the ex and his "lady friends" and I really need to do some spiritual writing on these - they are dangerous for us alcoholics/addicts. My sponsor left on a road trip for a few weeks and she gave me the number of someone as back up - the woman may not know who I am, but I am open to calling her to deal with my "stuff" - which is not pretty, which I am comfortable with my sponsor knowing, and I guess is rather universal in nature if mine in particular. I had a relapse dream last night. It was the ex's and I was inside his place looking out the window at him and his "ladies" and I had realized, I usually save him some of his weed, but I am going to smoke it all to "take" something from him since I am not "getting" what I want, (insightful - I do find a lot in my dreams) so I took a big bong toke - in my dream. I shared about the relapse dream and resentment in AA today in a general way. I am grateful to have a solution - even if I don't always take it in a timely manner. I saw Mr I'm not sure (I keep changing his name) and I just got a soft spot when he said he's been painting me a ceramic cup, anyway and I do like him in some ways. It hasn't seemed relevant to bring up the "I don't feel ready to date" topic. I do realize I need to keep it to MY PART in the matter and not blame him for being a superficial guy.
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I remember a dream a few years ago in which I accidentally murdered a man. But no one knew it was an accident, and EVERYONE was after me, wanting to kill me for it....
HA--I don\'t even know why that was relevant--it just popped in my head thinking about the oddities of dreams. I remember waking up and being relieved that I hadn\'t really killed someone. As if I would lol!!
That dream was more about me feeling like people were out to get me than anything else--but it\'s always nutty how our unconscious will express our deepest fears and concerns in our dreams.
I have an X that I was infatuated with that was a womanizer as well. I spent the entire relationship (2 years) trying to \'convince\' him that I was good enough. And in the end, I was left feeling not good enough b/c no woman was or ever will be \'good enough\' to be the sole focus of his romantic attention.
Sometimes it still bothers me, and I\'ll catch myself pondering on what I did wrong or wondering if he really loved me. All those thoughts are for the birds. I believe firmly that the flaw was not mine--at least not in this case.
Men who feed off of attention from females---they will always be that way. And it\'s some deep insecurity of their own---but by being that way, they create others (OURS) insecurities. ESPECIALLY in a relationship, an insecure man will \'keep\' you feeling vulnerable and insecure b/c it covers his own butt. You get what I\'m saying?
I don\'t even know if they MEAN to do it--I just know that they do. I am still recovering from the roller coaster that my X had me on. I was SMITTEN with him....o\'well....
I\'m glad you are having some clarity on the resentment issues. You are going to go on and be just fine with time. He\'s probably always going to be the same womanizer as always...
Big hugs!!
Sorry my reply was longer than your entry....lol....
I appreciate your comment, no apologies necessary :)