Saturday night was just awful as I yelled at my ex on the phone over and over to leave me alone - the day he heard the news his sponsor had committed suicide. Not the nicest thing on my part. I read back to journals from one year ago and it then during the beginning of our many breakups that I started asking him to leave me alone. I think he gets it now (after I yelled it over and over). He is leaving me alone since. I called back Sunday AM to apologize for yelling and being mean. It is funny, after 3 months of him pestering me to talk to him the three phone conversations we've had since the weekend ended in him hanging up on me. It's called abuse. I got the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt who I love and who wrote "He's just not that into you". I am getting a lot out of it. Today is day two of no contact. I know it takes this to move on. I am not moved on. I have contacted him those few times and let his contact of me linger and this has surely stunted a lot of my moving on process. I have the hardest time thinking of him being promiscuous like he was before we got together. I am powerless over it and don't need to dwell on it - what does it matter? I think I'm sensitive to the bond that intimate relationships create and that last between people on a spiritual level. We're all connected and I am connected to him in this way and I have to live with our choices that seem to affect me. School (work) is going pretty fine. I have one student failing psych class, who has been absent the majority of the time - he was my independent study student last time. Midterms were today and I have one C and the rest A's & B's. :) I hope he passes but it's up to him - his words don't always get followed through as far as his promise to turn in numerous assignments - NOT. Oh well. He said this class would be easy! I went to the gym and did Jacuzzi routine today. Once a week is NOT cutting it. I will feel much better going daily or every other day. I feel so tired. I work about 5 hours a day paid, plus prep time that can take a few hours, 4 days a week, plus a meeting about every other friday, and my volunteer work on Saturday nights and nearly daily meetings, and I just don't know how long I want to teach - it seems to take so much energy for the amount of time spent doing it. I am doing teachers aid for a couple hours a day and that is pretty easy and likeable. I do like it all actually, it's just WORK even though it's enjoyable, too. I am just neglecting the amount of meetings I want to attend, like taking the longer drive to attend MA. I'm neglecting any socializing and the thought of taking on this sponsee is just not very comfortable, and my room and clutter are just a big problem I'm discusted with for years and years now.  I saw Mr New today at a meeting. I said I've been meaning to get back to him (he called a couple times this weekend) and said I have been "preoccupied". I guess isolating or just not particularly curious and being self protective are a better answer. I did talk to one good girlfriend this weekend which was good - sad this is a rarity in my independence/isolation. My sis and I talked a bit Friday and she even suggested lunch - I need to pick up on this. Parents coming back from Greece day after tomorrow, so computer access at home anyway will be greatly reduced. There is always work computer which I WILL use for email and DS as I do need it to cope. Thanks.