I went to a memorial service of an MA friend yesterday.  It was good to see other MA'ers and have us all come together with our own concept of a higher power at a very religious catholic service.  Interesting.  My friend wrote some beautiful poetry, I found out.  He used to be very fond of me, I realize it now.  Loss and sadness.  He had brain cancer and was given 3 months to live after surgery about 5 years ago, and it recured about a year ago.  He was the first person I really got close to as a brand new newcomer and he made sure I had plans to come back to a meeting, and we had the same home meeting. I skipped the reception.  I really liked his  brother and would have enjoyed talking more. I went for a Thai massage and got blessed with another masseuse who used VERY firm pressure which I loved, and worked me over properly and it was just divine.  They get on the floor with you and use their elbows, forearms, knees, feet, you name it. It's so interesting.  I needed it so much.  I loved the ylang ylang frangranced oil he used, too.  Sounds like I'll have to start making appointments with him instead of my usual guy, who i felt disappointed withe recently. I hit up an old MA meeting - the meetings in our area are very sparce and disappearing and those left are changing a lot (new meeting rooms) - not as good with new comers needing experience to learn about being there for the newest newcomer.  I felt glad to be there - despite being late, breaking shoe on the walk there, and getting lost - I made it and was able to be there for a new comer and let him know I hoped he kept coming back and talk to him.  For most people to just say "good luck" and just have nothing to say in the way of welcome and support (aside from one friend with recovery, that I could see) you could say I was disappointed, but grateful to be there. I enjoyed my night with a delivered pizza and a movie (Oceans 11 - I rented 12 & 13 also - cuties in there).  So who shows up at the door, after I had fantasized about, oh what about when the pizza guy comes over, strictly fantasy, but lonely, so my ex shows up at the door and I would not get up from my chair to go talk to him, but I did talk to him - he brought me a CD.  Apparently he's a drummer in a band now.  I realize the gratification I will get from staying out of this relationship is delayed, versus going up and hugging him despite all I know.  I'm upset and hurt at how he's treated me - he's emotionally abusive.  Anyway I held firm and told him I don't want to talk to him, that I don't trust him, and that he's stalking me. So today as I erased yet another of his multiple messages in the last week, it occurs to me that one said "Dave hung"  so I retrieved it and listened - his sponsor hung himself last night. He had about 20 years sober, and had been hospitalized for suicidal depression a year ago when he went off the meds he'd been on about as long as he'd been sober. Really neat guy, college professor and author, and obviously troubled.  So my ex is crying saying they had a pact to save eachother and keep eachother alive- they were both suicidal over the last year. So I called him to talk to him about it, and how we can't save someone, and I ended up yelling at him, not appropriate on my part.  He CAN'T get his part in the pain he has left me with with the way he's treated me.  I have no business even talking to him about it - my feelings are my responsibility, as his feelings are his.  He's just basically sociopathic and it is really challenging for me to GET that.  I am sending mixed signals by contacting him I know. I got side swiped thursday on way to work. I stopped at the light - it was an armored vehicle. Anyway when I pulled over to stop, he had been behind me, and he's gotten away.  I have a small smooth dent.  I could be mad or I could be grateful, it could be worse in so many ways.  I didn't want to call the police and the insur company - I'd be late to teaching class.  Let it go.  Real disappointing.  Staying grateful, hopefully.