I feel like I rubbed Mr New the wrong way.  I guess I feel a little needy after being so distant.  Instability.  Had PMS when I was crabby.  Now I'm overworked and underslept and isolating. A friend in recovery is dying of cancer, and I haven't been there - meetings far away, working, out of the loop.  Atleast I am in the know to know - I feel bad.  I wish I had been and could be there for him. Oh God. I went through new faculty orientation and learned a lot.  I bawled today about feeling overwhelmed at work and about my friend who is dying.  And I miss my ex.  And I am in self pity and tired of not having people who know what is going on with me.  I am way too self centered and need to learn to be a friend. I opened some of dad's mail because it looked like his license was in jeopardy from a court - and had to email him as he's in Greece, and tell him what I did.  Not fun or pleasant or comfortable.  I guess it would be considered enabling to try to "help" - to find out he's apparently  been driving on a suspended license he finally paid a ticket for and has to take into the dept of motor vehicles to get his suspension removed.  How embarassing my curiosity got the  best of me and I couldn't "wait" for him to be back in a few weeks.  He probably doesn't care if it's suspended (since he drove on it - though if we'd, me and mom, known we wouldn't have let him drive us!)  Oh well - I came clean and apologized for invading his privacy and said I was trying to help.  He's a gambling addict and his life is not going to get any better as far as him being responsible with his addiction progressing as it tends to, the nature of addiction. My sponsor suggested a good cry and a gratitude list - helps.  I'm tired of isolation feeling so comforble, and then when I need to reach out, I am lacking a comfy place to fall. A woman at work made me feel undermined as she's helping with the class I am subbing and basically sort of taking over - kind of.  Who Cares.  It is only a person and a job, it just hurt to be pointed out my failings and to have her negative attitude act like I am not doing a good enough job, so she gets to come in and review their final with them because she thinks it is just so awful.  Yes they were behind when I started the subbing and yes I appreciate her help and I am going to try to stay out of it because yesterday did not go too great when I think I can change someone else.  At least I am glad to say they are not as bad off as she seems to think and say they are.   DEEP BREATH.  It was actually fun in class to go over their "code of ethics" presentations and get to know some of the students.  I had a little crush on one, which is normal for me to find people I'm interested in - a new situation for me :) fun and strictly innocent, but still neat. My good friend who I had my last drink with years ago came into volunteer work Saturday as he has been lately, on my shift.  He said "we should have a beer sometime"  I said "ok"  I don't need to go into sobriety and AA because he wouldn't get it, be supportive, or dig it.  What I meant was I don't need to have the beer in order to hang with him, but I know what he's thinking - we used to party together and that's what we did... It brought up a lot.  I had a drinking and a sexual dream of him that night where I had to be drunk to go there with him.  It brought up so much as far as using the drink to bond and feel ok.  I used to have a mad crush on him that sort of dissipated, but the dream and his probable interest in me peaked mine, though he doesn't know I've turned to sobriety.  My sobriety is at risk - I am not immune.  We kissed once years ago.  Anyway it is sort of interesting. I was in a triangle friendship with him and my friend who lives up north - and sure enough the hour I'd thought of calling my friend up north the day after the dream, he'd texted me (after I'd texted him once weeks ago).  WOW.  What a connection.  We're all connected, we're all one.  I don't need to worry what people think of me and just trust I am on the path God has for me and I don't have to make a big deal out of not wanting a beer - though it is strange to ponder it as a way to have that "connection". I miss my ex.  I mourn him.  I read journal from year ago and it hurts what I've settled for. I  understand why I beat myself up and doubt myself - all these abusive messages my past going as far back as I am, telling me I deserve the abuse I've received.   Thank God for my counselor, sponsor, friends, 12 steps, jobs opportunity to change jobs if I want, my family, my doggie, love, my experience, my past, My Sobriety, Love, acceptance, hope, faith, God and freedom.