I ended up  talking to my male friend at length last night about what is going on in my life.  I am having a hard time reaching out or knowing how to reach out to.  I know he likes me, so this doesn't feel safe, though he's very wholesome and a gentleman and we're pretty close friends.  So I end up feeling vulnerable and overexposed and feeling like i shouldn't do that.  4 hour conversation?  It's nice to talk with someone, and I like talking with him.  I'm feeling kinda needy. It was good and I need to stop "beating myself up".  Thank God for some of those male friends over the years being there for me when I am feeling like I don't have anyone else who can talk to me.  I guess I am in some self pity. My sponsor turned 20 years sober this week.  I've only gone to her home meeting a few times, but see a lot of those people at other events/meetings.  I had several people I've already met/seen before introduce themselves and ask if I was new.  I already felt real isolated and I guess it was nice for them to reach out, anyway I don't think I handled it so well.  The birthday cakes (several given away today) were hard to watch people with close contacts including sponsor and sponsee.  My sponsor is a phone call/email away, but I seldom see her.  My former sponsee and I no longer talk -  it was a really painful riff between us a year ago. It was hard for me.  I went ahead and talked to everyone I wanted to congratulate, welcome or get in touch with.  I am feeling rather frustratingly lacking social skills to the point of being a little anti social.  So I went for a Thai massage and she didn't ask what pressure and I didn't tell her I like it firm so I felt cheated because I didn't want to tell her after it started (cheated myself) it was not firm enough for me.  It was still nice just not as much as usual. So all this activity today was in my old stomping ground in the city an hours drive away where I used to work and play and live in my addiction.  I went to another meeting there on my way out, much smaller, all newcomers but me, and felt better there because I could share and it wasn't as "clicky" as the other meeting.  It is good to be a voice of recovery for people who could appreciate it, especially in such a small program. My home meeting is also in this city and I've mostly stopped going and it hurts.  I am disconnected from my original fellowship.   Thank God AA is everywhere and I still have that.  Still, I am disonnected from my AA home group, too, and attending different meetings.  But to go to MA, I have to drive an hour or so and with gas prices and other excuses, I am sad about missing out.  At least I am not like many people who live hours away from MA because it is still growing.  (Marijuana Anonymous.) Teaching job is going pretty well.  I think maybe everone could pass the class at this rate which is really all I can hope for.  I think I am a pretty good math teacher though if my boss or some other instructors came in I think the kids' behavior is a little too loose and my instruction a bit archaic with dry erase markers versus power point presentations on the projector and stuff (I  have yet to have experience with power point or other programs).  They get their first quiz on Monday and I'm excited. I got invited to a party from a fellow volunteer who is a little flirty w/ the girls and when I received the invitation and see he's married, i was like wow, he flirts and has a wife?  So I am a little awkward about putting myself in a new social situation tonight.  He said if I don't drink there will be non alcoholic drinks there and I said I don't, so that is good.