I am feeling better about the upcoming math instructor position.  I will try to be prepared a day at a time so I don't feel overwhelmed.  :) Today was awful, and Fathers Day dealing with the ex was awful.  I think after the year and a half off and on relationship I have finally gotten what it takes to stay away.  He is being so hurtful.  He had a lung scope procedure done Friday to look at his lung lesions.  Anyway I will say all this with a grain of salt because of what happened to day (meaning I don't know what is the truth anymore).  I called his "father in law" (his ex), a very close friend of his to ask if my ex heard bad news or something.  My ex had told me today he got some heartbreaking news and refused to tell me.  He is really hurting me.  Maybe he brought this up to try to hook me in since I told him to leave me alone today. So I find out there has been a major lie going on about my ex telling me he turned down back pay from social security and social security checks about a month ago, when in actuality he is telling his father in law that he's "counting the days" for his check to arrive.  His father in law said there was no bad news he knew of unless he heard something from social security.  Anyway his money is his. The point is he'd offered to buy me a car when he got his $30k back pay check, and I finally said I didn't want it because he worked under the table and that money was not gained honestly and I wanted no part of it.  So he told me he turned it down in front of a judge because he wanted to do the right thing. I felt very confused - I didn't want to be a bad influence on him.  I felt upset because the point was he worked and claimed he didn't, and he told the judge a lie to get out of it, and I was just upset.  I mean what a mess.   Anyway it's all pointing out that lack of trust I have for him, which confirms why he has been so distrustful of me, and I am extremely open and honest with him.  Before I'd even found this out I'd asked him to please leave me alone from now on, yet continued to make and receive calls to try to "get closure".  What a waste.  It is all so mixed up how he treats me, pure horror. SIGH. I'm glad I called his close and loyal friend and found out neither of us know him as well as we think we do. He said he gave him a ride to see the judge and that he didn't say anything to him. I feel so betrayed.  I feel numb.  I turned my phone off, and when I turned it back on 1/2 hour later there were 7 voice mail messages from him, none listened to.  I think I'm done.  I just know I don't want to take out my anger on him.  I saw him today.  We both showed up at our old home meeting group.  He told me he heard I was there yesterday, and insisted he wasnt' there to see me.  He may even be loaded, I confronted him and he said no.  I went because I can walk there and my car is in the shop.  It didn't go well between us.  He told me he walked home, when his father in law said he gave him a ride home. It is good to be in touch with your loved ones loved ones to get the record straight.  I feel like a fool.  I am honest and therefore gullible - I trust people to be honest w/ me, too.  Anyway all I can do now is forgive to releve myself of the burden and get on w/ my life.