2 weeks since I last saw my ex, aside from 5 minutes on his birthday.  I am so glad he sent flowers for my aunt's passing.  Our family seems so small.  My other aunt came in from Utah and it was so nice to spend time with her and my mom and my sis and her family.  I see the women in my family, we are loyal and yet not super popular with lots of close friends, but more independent, and also prone to caretake men who sometimes let us take responsibility for them.  Dad hasn't joined us in any of the activities.  He acts like a little boy sometimes.  It kinda sucks but I told him it's ok he didn't come with us. Friday we went to the hotsprings and used the mud bath and it was nice.  I also went on Monday, the day my aunt died.  I was just so numb.  I am accepting it more, the shock and disbelief is wearing off.  I saw her oldest son, who is in recovery like me, and it is so neat we have that in common.  And thank God, because her other 3 sons, a couple of them are way out there in their addiction and alcoholism and it's just tragic.  Sigh.  A lot of corruption going on there.  A lot of drama. Our informal service was yesterday.  Mom had the idea.  It was not in a funeral home.  We bought flowers and drove to the ocean, and we said a prayer, and we held onto our flowers and each said something about my aunt.  I talked about her belief in heavenly angels, and that she taught me that we could call upon them for help for anything, and that she is free from suffering, but I asked for angels for her loved ones who are still suffering.  I said I look forward to seeing her again.  She was extremely spiritual and I feel blessed to have her as my aunt.  There was some emotion as each of us said our words and tossed our flowers, and they kept coming back to us as we stood on the shore, and it was just BEAUTIFUL.  Then we found a drum circle, part of mom's plan, good old Venice Beach, it's kind of like a melting pot with a sort of outrageous and strange flavor.  My aunt had gone once with my mom and loved it.  When I lived in the city I spent a lot of time there, almost daily, I'd go for walks and hang out with the odd locals and be in my pot smoking addiction, but I loved it.  It was good to create a wholesome, sober memory there.  I enjoyed the drumming and dancing, and walking in the sand and in the water, and visiting.  And being sober. This morning I had a dream of text crossing my vision like on a screen "THANK YOU FOR REMEMBER" I KNOW it was my aunt.  My mom and aunt were pleased.  We are open to spiritual dreams, they run in our families.  I am glad I dream journal. I didn't go with the family today, though I may catch up later.  They're going to a lavender field, which sounds lovely.  I've just been run down all week.  On Sunday mornings I love listening to KLOS "Breakfast with the Beatles", and tend to do it religiously lately.  I haven't gone to church in a year in a half, though went for about 3 years regularly for the first time in my life. I did enjoy it.  I guess I am just preferring other things now, and trying to accept that. I don't know when I will see ex.  There is a new man in the picture, in my thoughts.  Of course I met him at AA, where else do I go?  I mean, I first saw him and notice he stared months ago, and I just became aware of him.  Now that I am back able to attend more meetings, I saw him at another time slot last week and he asked me something about my share, small talk, and we conversed for a while.  I saw him lead a meeting once and mentioned it.  He's nice and much more conservative than my ex, and probably a lot healthier.  He's a little nerdy and it bugs me I kinda like him.  I think I am just vulnerable to attention.  And I like who I like, I have to accept it.  My ex is just so sick and self absorbed in his pain and depression.  So the next time I saw this guy, he sat next to me.  I am NOT there for that.  Anyway it was wierd.  I keep thinking what my response will be if he asks me out.  How can I be honest.  Anyway this is really alarming me. I am not ready to date.  I feel bad for my ex, he seems so in love with me, even though he doesn't know how to treat me.  Anyway I like this guy in a way, I am getting signals, and it is interesting.  I am thinking of saying something like I am not dating right now but maybe later, thank you.  That sounds good.  Anyway it is nice to have a crush and it may even pass.   Wouldn't that be nice?  Sigh.  Oh well. At work, the woman I am filling in for at the college is returning from maternity leave, and the boss offered me to teach one class in the evenings.  MATH!  I have some studying to do.  I have to say yes, it is too good an opportunity.  5 week classes there, so hopefully it won't  be too much of a disaster.  Oh well.  It's a little unorganized. Have a good day. LOVE Suzy