Today I laid in bed and cried.  Monday morning Mom told me my Aunt was gone, died from cancer.  There was relief because she was suffering so much the last week.  The shock is starting to wear off and I'm crying.  She saw angels and sang opera and was very feminine and funny and honest and sweet, and very wise.  My ex delivered flowers.  That was sweet.  I have been leaning toward removing myself from the insanity of him/us.  Then this - and my heart softens a little.  I have also been leaning towards removing myself from the counselor.  I am feeling less trust of her, starting to realize a lot of things I don't always agree with her about, and Lord knows I have enough trouble trusting my perceptions and instincts to have her color my experiencing by labeling them in a way that's convention for her, meaning him = bad, no matter what the situation.  I mean he is not all bad.  Yes, I know I don't want another year and a half of back and forth and emotional pain.  I just don't come to the same conclusion as her.  Counseling is tomorrow and I really don't want to go - I don't know.  I don't want to disagree with her because of past experiences she HAS to be right and I am not stupid, I mean she has done somethings in the past that have made it hard to trust, but me, I push through and act as if just because that is familiar and comfortable for me, and confrontation is awkward.  There is disappointment there.