Let me tell you the sunset picture on my profile is a view from my parents home in Baja, CA Mexico.  I am fortunate to have been able to spend some time there every now and then.  It's been over a year.  So seeing the picture is a virtual mini vacation for me!  I need all I can get now w/ this schedule!  So let me tell you the view from the upstairs patio there is truly my favorite place to hang out.  I am fortunate to have access to it... when will I find time and resourses to go again?  They bought it as a 2nd home years ago and hardly use the place, shame. I like going down there and walking on the beach and going into town for fish tacos and just sight seeing in Rosarito.  I felt awful for the downstairs neighbor when they built a taller building in front of us so they lost their view....  Mom let her vision take her to choose that place and it is truly awesome. Yesterday I got a message from my ex that he has been trying to contact me and to please call him.  Even though I said I wouldn't return his calls anymore, I did.  He has been in bed the last week and unable to eat and is coughing up and eliminating blood. Since the doctors told him he had lesions on his lungs nearly 3 months ago he has not been back to the doctor.  So he may have cancer.  I thanked him for letting me know he's sick.  He apologized for not being nice the last time we talked.  I cried some after the call.  After work when I finished my yoga after a long day I cried hard.  There are alot of feelings... loss, anger, fear, disappointment.  I mean there is love  between us, the abuse and dysfunction just screw it all up.  Giving and receiving love is so difficult for addicts and alcoholics like me sometimes, or people in general.  Anyway I have a lot to think about with life and holding grudges and making choices and where I spend my energy. I told him he makes it hard for me to be there for him when he's mean.  I am busy working pretty much all the time, and should have some break for a few days starting tomorrow, though I may have some stuff to do w/ my aunts.  I am not sure what I am going to do about the ex.  My caretaker side wants to be there for him, and we do love eachother.  So!  I pray and surrender and do what I need to do for me, best as I can. I am enjoying my 2 jobs.  I am doing temp work at a college radio station where I volunteer.  I have worked here off and on over 3 years.  A benefit of volunteering - I got work!  I get to review music and prerecord live music shows and do other stuff.  At my night job at another college at the learning lab I help students log on computer programs and take assessment tests and stuff.  There has been some confusion wth the log in so I am not always in a position to "fix" it.  Oh well!  It is good for my self esteem to realize I have some skills to use to help people. I am realizing w/ the ex how much there is a "pull" on me and how I tend to "give in" to relieve the feeling of being pulled, instead of let go and Let God!!!!!!!!!!!