Thank God for my gym membership for the jacuzzi, sauna, cold dip and steam room.  It helps me so much.  I used the gym for years for this reason and it has been a few years since I came back to it at a new location since I left the "big city".  It is a way to pamper me during my long work days.  Even though the work is not hard, I mean I get to read and go online for myself!  I am really blessed with these temporary jobs. I am so relieved I am making some progress with my list of amends I made 2 years ago.  I am learning so much lately about how I have blamed myself for many things that were not really my responsibility, or had lingering guilt about things I have already apologized for.  So my counselor suggested since I'm stuck on this list in Step 9 maybe she could help me.  My sponsor agreed and said sometimes those of us who have lived lives with abuse sometimes as she puts it feel like we need to apologize for taking up air.  A lot of it is just seeing things from the perspective of a self centered child who blames themself for everything wrong that happens around them, and rethinking things from an adult perspective that I am responsible for me and you are responsible for you.  A lot of shame and guilt is a way to "cope" with abuse from a loved one, to blame oneself for the mistreatment.  I have lived with so much shame and guilt.  So I am able to see some of those people on my list do not need to be there, and this is such a great feeling to actually be able to recognize more clearly this pattern I have and righting it.  I mean some of those people on the list need to be there, and I am getting clearer about why they are there.  Not only am I getting clear on what I owe as amends, I am seeing in "amending" I have already done so in many instances by not continuing on the same path.  It feels good to see some of the living amends already in place and to see more clearly what a real amend involves in these situations.   Those things on the list that were really me feeling guilty or blaming myself for someone elses choices, those don't need to be there.  It will take probably a few more sessions to go through the list but I am confident this is exactly what I need to help me move forward. This man J who was real important to me and my recovery in AA, I was helping him when he died of cancer, and I inherited $1k 2 years later (January).  He keeps popping up as a guide.  I dreamed of him last night.  He tried to encourage me to find work using my skills.  I mean up to and early in sobriety after I had left an abusive career (more on that later) I worked in such places as warehouses and stuff, even with a college degree.  Nothing like pot addiction, alcoholism and abusive relationships  (and a degrading job as an, ok I'll tell you, I was an exotic dancer) to erode ones sense of self worth and abilities.  I find myself working in 3 different local colleges this month.  Thanks to the inheritance I was able to: 1. pay for my gym membership2. go to the MA convention this year and stay in the hotel instead of my car like the last two times I went (my choice rather than driving an hour each way for just a little sleep, call me a hippy!) 3. weather the longest time of breakup with my ex  (2 months) without hardly any work without feeling "dependent" on the ex for financial help.  (Funny since he got his well paying job after having lived on savings for many months he never offers me gas money or spending money anymore... sounds like power and control to me).  So this special friend J even though he passed (funny me and my ex were present when he passed, total chance occurence) J is still "with" me in spirit I do not doubt! So the ex, I met him in meetings, I watched him come to believe in a higher power, we had this friendly closeness to us and I had a romantic dream about him and I told him (not the first time a romantic dream lead to a romance... what a good "pick up" line" LOL).  I guess I was unintentionally flirting with him.  I hadn't had a boyfriend in years and had been celibate.  So he was so NICE and that is why I always liked him, despite his crazy tattoos and very dark past.  The attraction to him grew over time.  So he is so not nice anymore at least towards me.  I miss cuddling with him and his appreciation of me more so physically because spiritually we just grew so far apart.  He grew into his tattoo world and I continued to grow spiritually and in counseling.  I won't put up with the behavior from him I used to, and I'm sure that has been frustrating for him.  It's all about power and control (abusive) versus mutuality (being capable of intimacy).  I mean during the course of our relationship in a nutshell... He went off depression meds  one year ago and broke up multiple times  starting in Sept. and acted totally crazy and made suicide attempt near New Years the day after forgetting my birthday when I got mad at him and I called 911 and he went into psych ward and got a cancer scare a month later (I think he is avoiding looking further into this) and he immediately relapsed and went back into psych ward and he has gotten further and further from a relationship with God....  Sigh.  I did talk to him about God keeping him clean and he got clean again and has over a month clean last I knew (even though we both were close to 3 years clean and sober when he relapsed).  I knew he had a lot of growing to do and he backslid.  Relationships are tough.  I thought I was good for this guy but we just brought out eachothers dysfunctions and it is up to me to work on mine and him to work on his and he can't recognize or acknowledge or change his issues. Anyway as for me, I am ok without him.  I struggle with letting him have all these misunderstandings about my intentions with him, he accuses me of not caring and hating him and all this BS, and that really hurts, and I have to let it go.  I loved him and put alot into him and us.  I can't change him.  I probably tried.  That feeling of dependency on someone leading me to want to make them be what I need for me to be happy, just sick codependent thinking.  I am learning I can walk away and focus on changing me.