I used some ice cream, naps, TV, rest and tears to get through the feelings that came up on my weekend off work and the state of my ended relationship.  I mean the emotional cruelty he has treated me with harms and my tendency to take on the blame hurts, and this time I just told him to leave me alone and he is.  I am trying not to take on the blame.  It was so hard to not call.  When the day was over I was glad I didn't because I need self respect.  I surely won't improve my self esteem by seeking out someone who mistreats me emotionally.  The way I have been treated in this relationship is so harmful.  I tend to try to rationalize or justify it by trying to see it from his perspective instead of seeing it for what it is - abuse.  So I made it through and he is leaving me alone.  The ice cream is not so good for me, it is addictive and a way to stuff and numb feelings.  The rest and naps were really good for me.  It was nice to have something to watch on TV to get my mind off stuff (movie Great Expections was good).  The tears were healing.  I mean I have been so busy working during the week I didn't have much chance to feel stuff.  And I do notice a delay reaction sometimes in the way things hit me in this relationship.  I made it over the hump yesterday, I missed him and I didn't call and now I am glad I didn't.  It just isn't healthy for me. My counselor suggested I go through my step 9 list of amends with her and I understand 12th step work to be nonprofessional, and I said ok but don't feel real comfortable.  I will talk to my sponsor.  Maybe it will help me get unstalled.   Anyway I have the appointment tomorrow and I'm just not sure what I will do.  I find myself being a little less assertive lately Last night I went to an AA speaker meeting and the guy next to me asked me to go for coffee sometime.  I don't like being asked out by strangers I hardly know, it feels so superficial.  I am rather desperate for live friendships, so I am vulnerable.  Instead of saying I didn't know him well enough and I'm not there for that, not to mention I certainly am in no position to date, being just off a relationship, I wanted to be polite and positive and said "maybe".  I accepted his card when I didn't want to.  I threw it away at home (I didn't handle this situation well).  When he said to call him and we'll have coffee I said "I'm not sure, I'll think about it".  So I see myself just losing some assertiveness.  I think all this work and less meetings and being with someone who is emotionally abusive has not been good for me to grow in assertiveness.  I need to get out and do my people skills.   One thing that sort of bothered me about myself is he asked where my "home group" is and I had to say, good question, because I don't go there anymore.  It is where I attended w/ my ex and I just associate that with his croud I don't want to associate with to help me move on even though he is not going as far as I know.  He is so dang popular there.  So I've stopped going to my home group and I don't feel I've replaced it, though I am still attending other meetings.  Home group is where you get sober and I have two fellowships (AA and MA), and that is where I have had most meetings.  I guess it will always be my home group even though I am not attending there lately. I was depressed this weekend and didn't get much done.  Without the ice cream I sure could have been brighter and more productive.  I just know myself, the next morning after eating ice cream I usually wake w/out energy.  I am so sensitive to sugar.  Anyway it is ok to just be a little blah considering the emotional punching bag I felt I was for the man I love.  It was so awful.  I am right to stay away.  It hurts.  I am feeling rather blue.  The grey skies are not as welcome today.  The work schedule is bugging me. On the postive I did attend a meeting each day of the weekend, I did take walks, I did do a few chores, and I did take time for me to heal and process.  That has to be healing.