I may be doing the last day at this particular temporary job. I do still have internet access at least once weekly but not like being at a computer all day where I am able to be online so I am letting my friends know in case I am not around as much, and we'll see about that! Oh well what a neat Saturday night. I had this feeling when I did my normal prayers that morning when I prayed for God's will, that he had something in mind for me. So I found a dog on my morning walk outside it's residence and returned it. Then I got to loan money to a friend and happened to bring him milk and cereal he said he'd prayed for because he was out of them. So on way home Saturday night I spotted a bunny! He was on sidewalk of a major intersection and I pulled over and sort of gave up trying to catch him, and he was wandering out in traffic and I kept covering my eyes in case he got hit. A couple other cars pulled over as I went back in my car and gave up. So they tried to catch him and I hung around. One guy asked if I wanted to catch him, and a woman asked if she caught him would I take the bunny, I said yes. They caught him! I stopped by to show the bunny to my family and pets. He (or she's) regular size, quite big compared to my new dwarf bunny. I got some pellets and told my off & on bf that I had a surprize for him. I took it up to him and he welcomed the pet and now it is part of his family, and they like him. :) So I spent time with him that night and the next day I took a movie over. "Into the wild" based on a true story of a college grad who chooses to live in the wilderness in Alaska. It was quite good. OK so time with him, anyway I just was able to enjoy the affection and that is where I am at. Part of this cycle of emotional abuse, in the "honeymoon" phase described in Lenore Walker's "The Battered Woman". It's like I suffer and then later on I forget or deny and just do what we do together. It was kind of nice to have couple time. I realize in my past I have this tendency, to be with someone who isn't healthy for me. Sometimes I convince myself it isn't that bad. I feel dread of disappointing my supporters when I come here in pain and suffering and identify his emotional abusiveness, and then I have to say I'm not staying away. I guess that is the description of an addict for you. I have counseling appointment tomorrow and I feel like I am at a point where I feel like I will always settle, I guess I feel rather stuck or just helpless. I mean I am 37 and what if I want a child???? I don't want to resent him for me staying in this relationship when it isn't something I can see bringing a child into the world (he already has several kids and a vasectomy and I don't think I'd want to raise a child with him because of those things I find in him to be unhealthy). This is my first relationship in sobriety. I didn't have a chance for a healthy life before I got sober. Now as I experience things I am becoming aware of what is working and what isn't whether or not it's familiar. OK I mean this relationship meets some of my needs but when I think about my life, don't I see myself giving myself a chance to have a family????? Or am I meant to be alone because the man I love isn't right for me to have a family with??? I love my life. I am grateful for my family, my sobriety, the grace I am learning to have for myself in being imperfect, my progress, when I take care of myself, using my gym membership to go into the jacuzzi, sauna, cold dip, pool and steam room, for the opportunities I have, for my journals, for my memories and my experience, for laughter, for being able to relate to people, and for my pets.