I may be doing the last day at this particular temporary job.  I do still have internet access at least once weekly but not like being at a computer all day where I am able to be online so I am letting my friends know in case I am not around as much, and we'll see about that! Oh well what a neat Saturday night.  I had this feeling when I did my normal prayers that morning when I prayed for God's will, that he had something in mind for me.  So I found a dog on my morning walk outside it's residence and returned it.  Then I got to loan money to a friend and happened to bring him milk and cereal he said he'd prayed for because he was out of them.  So on way home Saturday night I spotted a bunny!  He was on sidewalk of a major intersection and I pulled over and sort of gave up trying to catch him, and he was wandering out in traffic and I kept covering my eyes in case he got hit.  A couple other cars pulled over as I went back in my car and gave up.  So they tried to catch him and I hung around.  One guy asked if I wanted to catch him, and a woman asked if she caught him would I take the bunny, I said yes.  They caught him! I stopped by to show the bunny to my family and pets.  He (or she's) regular size, quite big compared to my new dwarf bunny.  I got some pellets and told my off & on bf that I had a surprize for him.  I took it up to him and he welcomed the pet and now it is part of his family, and they like him. :) So I spent time with him that night and the next day I took a movie over.  "Into the wild" based on a true story of a college grad who chooses to live in the wilderness in Alaska.  It was quite good.  OK so time with him, anyway I just was able to enjoy the affection and that is where I am at.  Part of this cycle of emotional abuse, in the "honeymoon" phase described in Lenore Walker's "The Battered Woman".  It's like I suffer and then later on I forget or deny and just do what we do together.  It was kind of nice to have couple time.  I realize in my past I have this tendency, to be with someone who isn't healthy for me.  Sometimes I convince myself it isn't that bad.  I feel dread of disappointing my supporters when I come here in pain and suffering and identify his emotional abusiveness, and then I have to say I'm not staying away.  I guess that is the description of an addict for you.  I have counseling appointment tomorrow and I feel like I am at a point where I feel like I will always settle, I guess I feel rather stuck or just helpless.  I mean I am 37 and what if I want a child????  I don't want to resent him for me staying in this relationship when it isn't something I can see bringing a child into the world (he already has several kids and a vasectomy and I don't think I'd want to raise a child with him because of those things I find in him to be unhealthy).  This is my first relationship in sobriety.  I didn't have a chance for a healthy life before I got sober.  Now as I experience things I am becoming aware of what is working and what isn't whether or not it's familiar.  OK I mean this relationship meets some of my needs but when I think about my life, don't I see myself giving myself a chance to have a family?????  Or am I meant to be alone because the man I love isn't right for me to have a family with??? I love my life.  I am grateful for my family, my sobriety, the grace I am learning to have for myself in being imperfect, my progress, when I take care of myself, using my gym membership to go into the jacuzzi, sauna, cold dip, pool and steam room, for the opportunities I have, for my journals, for my memories and my experience, for laughter, for being able to relate to people, and for my pets.