Wow I went back to sleep a couple times since I first woke up and took an afternoon nap. I must have needed it. I went to a speaker AA meeting and saw some good friends and laughed.  I kind of forced myself to go because I did not want to miss out.  I've been really enjoying tea in the morning with cream, and so I had some beforehand for extra caffeine (maybe a 2nd cup of this is the answer to going to my evening job for a few hours after work). Last night I invited mom to the dog park with me and the dog, it takes less than 10 minutes to walk there.  I always feel better afterwards.  I'd vented to her and cried, just tired and stressed.  She is a good friend to me.  It was fun to giggle with her at all the dogs and ours' interaction with them.  Thank God for this new pet in our life (nearly one year with us now). I took myself to a nice lunch.  The place I originally wanted to go was packed.  I sat there for maybe 5 minutes without any server coming to see me and decided to go to another place across the street.  I was next to a baby shower and I guess I have issues with not having a child (yet?)  There was a couple with a baby on the other side of me.  I told the hostess I didn't want to take as much time as it was going to take.  I had an abortion nearly 14 years ago and it was so painful.  When I finally got clean and sober 3 years ago it was finally time to feel it and deal with it.  It's funny how though it hurt until I addressed it in counseling when I got clean and sober and made amends I couldn't release it until sobriety.  It hurts less today, amazingly.  And my maternal instincts seem less strong lately.  I mean I am 37.  I always thougth my life would be incomplete without the experience of giving birth and raising a child.  See my off and on boyfriend offered to be a daddy for me but he says what he does not mean, has a vasectomy and already has multiple children - So! I don't seem ready to let this relationship go and at the same time I am not getting any younger.  GOD!  I sometimes wish I could just let him go.  I enjoy his company when we cuddle other times it feels more like a weight, I am just too self sufficient and independent and our differences really just bother me.  Anyway.  Such a hard issue for me.  He is actually really making an effort. So I left the restaurant and went across the street and got good service, which made the experience better. I was treating me.  The food wasn't as wonderful but you know what?  It takes guts to go to a restaurant alone and though I do it pretty regularly, I was treating myself to a celebration lunch on account of starting a new part time job next week. I even got cake and ice cream!  I keep a AA publication of "The Grapevine" in my purse which is perfect to read when I go to eat alone.  Even the hostess said she eats alone too that her boyfriend is too boring (I could relate).  I'd even asked him to go and he was busy and it was ok.  You know, I know it must be hard to see him putting me first when I have not always done that with him.  It feels good.