Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It's just been so hard to stay away.  He changed his # and I don't remember the new one so called the old one and he answered!  Anyway he is not clean after his one day relapse a couple weeks ago, he admitted to using pot and that's not all, I didn't ask what else.  I called my sponsor and cried.  I guess I am trying to get healthier closure or possibly reconnect, so it is hard.  I did tell him I can't get more involved w/ someone who isn't clean, it's not healthy for me.  He said he understands.  I had said the reasonI asked him to leave me alone because I couldn't handle the dishonesty.My assignments...Go to a meeting and try to go for fellowshipMake a date w/ a friendTry to go to MA (have to drive a ways, usually go to AA closer by)Write a "God Letter", something to hand over my fears and resentments Anyway I have a lot of reaching out to do.  Thanks for being here for me.  It is just so hard to accept and understand that not only is he not sober he is on God knows what including MY drug of choice, this is so hard.  I heard the news from him and I got just like that skin crawling want to jump out of your skin feeling and I just called her and I am so grateful I can go through this sober.  It's like I can see myself at other points in my life being so head over heels into my mate and doing the drugs my mate did, this brings up a lot, a growth opportunity.  First relationship in sobriety and he relapses when we were starting to get chummy again on another one of our many go arounds with break up/reconcile.  He had left me alone like I asked.  It is so hard he is so popular and out there with people and now his new crowd now that he works as a tattoo artist of course they are going to be affiliated w/ drugs and stuff.  I'm not into that.  This is the new normal and I am in shock.  My heart is  broken.  I know I can get through this.