Oh I cried so much. I finally checked message from ex and yes I did call him back through much tears and hurt and anger. He is doing better and the meds are making him normal and no longer insane and he is trying to charm me into taking him back. Anyway I haven't talked to him in a month. I don't know if it is power and control (abuse) it probably is since our relationship has had a lot of it, but there is love in there, too. It's just I know he says things to get something not because he necessarily means them. So anyway I feel better knowing I'm wanted (if that's sick it's still true) and I am so glad I did not give in to see him right now and continue with MY day, instead of centering it around him. Oh well after 6 breakups of course he is going to try again. It is like it seemed like he'd moved on and after he talked to me he said he hasn't and I just said I didn't believe him and cried and we talked. Anyway that's where I am at. I know I need to take things slow. I am too isolated and lonely and vulnerable and I know he is too charming and appealing in his generosity and how well we know eachother and his companionship and affection and love, and he is seeming so normal now, he's been off meds and suicidal and now Oh God, I surrender it to God that is the best thing I can do. And continue to check my codependency recovery and maintain my daily and long term goals. Oh yes and he said he got an offer to move and hasn't committed to it, I said wasn't that misleading to tell me he was moving, goodbye and he'll never forget me? Yes he agreed. Oh well. Like mom said, A Lot of Drama (ick). I guess in my life it is something I'm periodically used to. He also said his family misses me and misunderstood that they thought he was suicidal because of our breakup so they didn't want me around, now they understand. Anyway it doesn't matter a whole lot. I hate getting support to stay away and then be tempted to go back, in Beyond Codependency she is calling it recycling. Oh well. I have choices. I guess that is why sometimes i lean towards codependency, to let the other person decide for me, because I don't take time to listen to myself and trust my choices.
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I feel like I\'ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride since I got his text message yesterday, sent him the barage of texts and then come to find he may not be moving and wants me back, oh God! Why would he want me back if he\'s considering moving out of state? I feel so crazy I guess that means it is crazy to depend or believe on him, I guess I want to because I miss the love.
1st, thx for my journal entry u made. it does help to have frnds lik eu here. and i really ike that \"recycling\" ive never heard it used that way, but its really appropriate isnt it? well now u kno he was \"baiting\" u about his leaving, huh? just lika man to tell u something that has no trueth to it what so ever, souly to try and get what HE wants. so damn munipulative. i HATE that trait in so many ppl. i truley believe if u cont on as u are, w/out him in ur life u are so much better off. and have such a much greater chance @ sobriety for the long haul, ya kno? dont sell urself short honey. u deserve to kno and experience REAL love and to share ur \'sobriety\' in life w/someone how truely deserves u and the good choises u are working so hard on making. and im pretty damn certain that HE is NOT that person. stay STRONG and keep moving on. heartaches and break-ups are hard enuf, but even harder when the other person continuously makes attempts @ getting u back by using ur own volnerabilities. so expect that he WILL continue to do this, and be prepared. just pray praypray for the streght u need to get threw ut. it will work, if u want it to and i kno u do. ttyl, luv-n-prayers...
Hello do not give in to the whole thing of him saying honey or baby I am sorry for hurting \"and\" I would like forr you to give me a chance line! There is a website you can use and it is oneplace.com. On that site there is a lady by the name June Hunt; you can listen to her show online. I do not know if you can get it in your area on the radio! She is verry inspiring and gentle. Thire is all so the Dr. Laura show as well! They can help you find a support group out of DS.
I could\'ve written this -- a year ago! I would like to read that beyond codependency. I hope you can stay strong but I for one am compassionate with you that those guys are so charming and tempting, it seems the timing is when we\'re vulnerable. Ugh. They\'re all the same ... peace and love!