Today I got text message from ex.  It hurt he said it shouldn't have ended in hate (I don't hate him).  It hurts that it ended at all, I wish we'd just stayed good friends.  He said he got so sick and it's not who he is.  He said he loved me so much (it hurt to hear this in past tense).  Then he says he's moving out of state, which is so crazy for him.  It kinda makes sense because he'd packed away all his belongings and I'd asked if he was moving, no.  He has small children and grandchildren and family here, it is so Wierd.  Well I sent him a barage of text messages, my first response to him in a month.  I said to please stop contacting me, that it hurts.  I said I don't hate him.  Then I kind of just let him know some of the stuff that I've been through that he doesn't seem to believe he has a part in.  Anyway it is what it is.  I apologized and said I am so hurt and angry and I don't want to take it out on him, it's better to leave me alone.  I finally said I love him very much and I'm not doing really well and this is just a nightmare and goodbye.  Then he finally contacts me back with messages and I choose not to listen or read them at this time.  I took a very long hot bath and just spending my day being quiet.  I decided to not talk today, just to see if I could be quiet.  It is interesting.  Oh God.  It hurts that he is moving so far.  It is so odd, he has so many friends and people who really love him and invest in him, and here I am isolated with hardly a phone ringing once a week, if it weren't for computer I don't know who I would feel friends with.  I am so isolated.  Part of my being an alcoholic and marijuana addict was to feel ok around people, and I'm clean and sober now and this was my first relationship in sobriety.  He was my best friend.  I am just crying so much and just in such shock.  What is good is to realize not to put people in place of God, and not to rely on them more than God, and to trust God that something good can come out of this.  It hurts so much that he's leaving even though I don't trust him or feel safe around him I still care for him and it is very hard to let go and so final.  He represents my social life, I confined it to him too much and haven't really replaced it.  He represents having a lover which it had been years for me.  He represents my close friend and someone I trusted.  I told him I gave him my all and it didn't work.  I told him I can't trust someone who lies to me.  One good thing is I am feeling this now, I may not put off feeling it and getting a delayed reaction, I felt like I got punched in the stomach and started shaking so bad and decided to contact him, and the floodgates of the last month opened and it poured out.  I said it was hurtful for him to  choose me to tell his suicide plan and that I wouldn't be able to find him, that was just cruel.  Anyway I know I can go through it I am just not really feeling like it so much.  I am all alone at home with parents on vacation and I am just here just being so emotional, that time of month, too, all the more dramatic!  Anyway gratitude is good I know I can learn and grow through this God can help me through it.