Still a little too isolated but did make a few calls and get out today.I finished a book by Nikki Sixx "the Heroin diaries"  I journal myself and was involved in the hollywood nightclub scene during the year he wrote the  book when I was a teenager, so I wanted to read it, also because it's about addiction (being a recovering marijuana addict and alcoholic).  Anyway I learned some things and it was interesting.  I was drawn to that sort of lifestyle and I see the degradation and objectification of women that was so rampant and it sort of makes sense I got into the lifestyle I did and sort of put up with some of that in men, my recent ex boyfriend an example I am realizing more and more.Time apart from my ex and realizing his dishonesty and how he started to say what he thought I would want to hear instead of the truth really left me confused and in the dark about the truth, which is becoming clearer now.  It is painful and part of recovery, to accept what happened.One call I made was more out of obligation.  A new friend smokes pot, I know this though it's not something we've discussed.  Anyway we are trying to make plans to go walk and I am just feeling uneasy, wanting to put my recovery first and needing to reach out to those also in recovery so I have the support I need at this tough time.  I am having a tough time.  Last night I dreamed I had relapsed but wasn't accepting it had happened.I called one friend and recovery and cried.  He asked, why don't I go to the big book study meeting tonight?  I don't know.  I am isolated and in a rut and underemployed and getting over the stressful drama of a month ago.After I finished the book yesterday I sort of snapped out of how much in self pity I have been and felt hopeful I could feel like I can be of service to others again.  I spent some time cleaning today and come on here and reach out to others and called some people.  I guess that is a step in the right direction.  I need to go to that meeting.