I am not contacting my ex and it is hard.  I know in wanting to be kind the best thing is to stay away, because I feel hurt and angry and I need to learn from experience bringing this need to heal to him does not lead to healing the majority of the time.  It has been very hard to hear his last message how much better he is doing and how he is feeling happy again and does not appear to have the sense of loss I do about the relationship.  He was my best friend and lover, and I do not have enough people I am close to, so I feel the loss. It is extremely hard as I tend to compare myself to him and his popularity in our group at the meeting place we both have attended, while I tend to not get the concern and attention he does, which is really ok, it still sort of hurts though.  I need to remember in comparing myself I am lacking gratitude for how God made me, and I am ok.  I like myself.  What is real hard is how loved he is and to know he was abusive and dishonest and to not have peoples support because I would not tarnish his reputation to explain something to others people don't really need to know and wouldn't understand probably.  I am grateful for the few friends I have who are supportive and understanding of this situation.  It is ok to cry and feels good.  I am pleased every day I don't go buy a pint of ice cream, because I know this coping mechanism is how I stuff my feelings and though it may not be the worst thing it does not help my healing.  I have an assignment from the book "beyond codependecy" to write "my story" which I am looking forward to doing, though it seems tough.  I learned from reading about borderline personality disorder how I do have that terrible separation anxiety and fear of abandonment in my close relationships, and I don't tend to let this show, and this is something I need to work on.  I am grateful this whole experience and situation has let me know I have some work I need to do on myself.It just feels good to be able to get up and put on a little makeup and fix my hair and put on clean clothes and do laundry and wash dishes and feed myself and bathe and walk doggie, we even found a tick on his ear today which we got to experience dealing with.  I am grateful I have that doggie to love and loving parents who care for me to live with.Yesterday I got to get some money from the estate of a man I cared for, a friend who died of cancer 2 years ago, and we had  grown quite close, and the executor of his estate told me when I went  back to my home meeting last week, that he wanted me to have something, and I was blessed with $1k.  WOW.  I have never received a check that big in my life as far as I know.  It felt good to still have his friendship even though he is dead.  It's funny, when he died both me and my ex were present, and this was early in our friendship, I'm sure the experience bonded us.  Anyway it has been quite a tearful weekend.  In fact yesterday I cried so much the night before I was going to go into work late, then saw how terribly puffy my eyes were so I took the day off!  Fortunately this is not a problem.  I am going to a meeting today.  I am grateful I have had some money in the bank and I am not dealing with that financial insecurity, which I tended to rely on my ex as a cushion in case I was short on spending money or something, I am grateful God is taking care of me and I don't need my ex to do this.It's funny its a tattoo convention and this is my ex'es new career and I figure it is good I am out of his way to maybe go enjoy this because this lifestyle is not for me at this time, I feel there is a lot of objectification of women and I have sort of had my fill of putting up with this sort of thing in my past and I have explained this to him, anyway we are certainly on different paths.  I had thought about letting him give me my first tattoo (heart) yet I do like having ink free skin, it is still a sort of part time fantasy to get one.  HE is covered in them, and I fell in love with him from the inside out, so in a way some of them I didnt' like so I am grateful to be free from that stuff.Anyway I am glad I am taking care of myself and not letting self pity drag me down too far, I do have people that love me even if it is my friend who died.  It felt really good to receive that gift.