My birthday (37!) yesterday was nice, I did it for me, I spent day doing things I enjoy and got to have a nice dinner with Mom & Dad. I took myself to a really nice lunch and even got myself a manicure (can't remember last time I got myself a manicure professionally) so it was a fun and special day. I had some gift cards so did some shopping and found out it is not something I need to do, I didn't buy a single thing (except for some mint tea). I like to look first sometimes and think about it and buy later. Anyway I did find something today which was nice.So today I got mad at my off & on I think it's safe to call him ex boyfriend. I had held in his forgetting my b-day, not wanting it to spoil my day. Today I finally told him. It turned into me being really hard on him because he lied about it, saying at first he did know (yeah why he never said a word even though he talked) then saying he thought it was today (again not even mentioning it) so I was appalled I guess you could say at the lying, not even limited to this. So for whatever reason I went to see him and could see it was not a good day for him mental health-wise (worse I've seen yet). I guess in dealing with him I am being hurt and tend to blame him instead of taking responsibility for being involved in a person who is not treating his mental illness, not eating, not getting more than 2 hours of sleep for over a month now, suicidal, anyway I can only choose to see the bright side for so long until today he called telling me his specific suicide plans soon after I'd left, I called 911, and they told me to get back on the phone with him and stay on with him until police arrived. I didn't tell him I called. Anyway I have not heard from him since and I wonder... Did he go away to mental ward? Did he put up a fight? Did he do something awful? It is hard not to feel guilty as I was hard on him. It is just an all around unpleasant situation. It is quite scary actually dealing with someone unstable. I am just hard on the poor soul. There is also no point really to communicate with someone who would lie to me and is in such suffering there is no room for me in the relationship, he is truly at worst quite despondent. It wasn't always like this! He used to be happy! He was on meds and slept & ate fine! It is hard watching the man I have loved turn crazy.I am quite shakey after the trauma of hearing him threaten suicide and tell me in detail how I or police couldn't stop him after all the morbid stuff leading up to this... his disturbing artwork and his disturbing thoughts, his morbid behavior. Oh God! This is too big for me. I am glad I called 911 and took it seriously. I just know for my safety I really need to detatch in a big way, he is dangerous for me. I left because he started to pound and break a chair, there is no having a normal conversation with him.Oh well I didn't get here over night. I guess I have untreated codependency, history of emotionally abusive relationships, chose this person with an unstable history, and got involved. Oh God. I hate having this burden of this situation and to be this person who has this to share.What is my hope? I took a bubble bath, lit a candle, went to dinner with Mom, read something good, come here, made plans with AA friends tomorrow, said no to an invite out to enjoy a movie in.I called for help. It is too big for me. I have to picture him in God's hands, and thank God I could help, yet part of me feels to blame like I hurt him, I failed him, I wouldn't take him back after he broke up with me numerous times. Oh God! It's not my fault! Please it is so hard to accept the reality of this and deal with the shock of it. I am dealing with a person with a history of violence when I am the type who prefers not to kill bugs. I just thought I could handle it, it got worse, and I did a good job of dealing with it today, it's just realizing any help he get may be temporary and this could happen again (and again) and I'm scared for me, too, it's like he's calling and threatening suicide, is this abuse or what?
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I just heard from his daughter who is mad at me for calling police on him and his grandaughter and step dad had to see him taken away in police car and she said the step dad and his mom ask that I don\'t come there anymore, I said ok. She said he always gets depressed and says he\'s going to kill himself and never does anything. How am I supposed to know that? It is not my fault, I said. She is ignorant. No one in that family is going to get him help and anyway I am feeling angry. At least I know what happened he got taken away. I wasn\'t trying to get him in trouble. How could I live with myself if he did something and I didn\'t try to get help? She said I could have gone up there or called someone, I said I don\'t have anyones numbers and I was up there, that he broke a chair. I said ok I won\'t go up there anymore. I am mad to be blamed. Oh well. It\'s her birthday today and she\'s mad at me that her dad didn\'t get to wish her a happy birthday. I said he forgot mine yesterday, too. Oh God!
i thik u dont the rite thing, i would of done the same. im sure it is very hard to watch someone u love go down hill like tht. but what is all comes down to is YOU. (MY OPINION) u cant save everyone, altho u may really want to. u have to put YOU first b4 u can really help neone. seems like this relationship is nothing but harmful and toxic for you. what do u think about that? btw, HAPPY LATE BDAY! im glad u got out and had a nice day, im certain u deserved it!
I am starting to see more clearly the unhealthy things about the relationship before that I have overlooked. I am aware of the lack of give and take. I do tend to share the complaining side, I guess I do feel a good side some of it for me is accepting people as they are and receiving love in the form of attention, companionship, letting them in to get to know me, affection, romance, feelings of love... I guess what I can say about the situation is it is rather sad though I do know I could go on & on like this for years in a situation that overall is not building me up. I am rather tired of giving to someone who is unable to really give back most of the time. I guess part of me feels guilty for his. Counseling is a good plan for me, grateful I am getting some. The thing is I am still newly clean and sober (nearly 3 years) so any counseling before this (years worth) really could only go so far until I dealt with this primary situation of sobriety...So I guess I have more hope now for positive change it will take some WORK.