Yesterday was really a "backslide" for me in this off & on relationship, just me giving in out of feeling obligated/guilty when he is like I have continued to say "a mess", making progress in some areas, noticing other areas that are of concern. I am dealing with a mentally ill person (not that I'm perfect). His new psychiatrist is not much help at this point. Oh God. It's like I say no and then change my mind. It's like I try to appease him and forget I HAD boundaries that were working for me. Ok I spent money on someone who is careless with his money and earns literally 100- + hr as a tattoo artist (new job) when I am behind in rent, stupid of me. I can't afford to throw around my money (bought herbal sleep remedy for him, who is only sleeping 2 hours a night over a month now). He's starting to act paranoid at times (sleep deprived). Sometimes he accuses me of hating him. He dreamed I made out with someone and it's like he can't let it go, like he's mad at me, like he's convinced himself it's real. He's covered his bedroom window with tape and newspaper (depressing) and cleared his shelves of all "stuff" (books, decorations). Ok seriously, I asked him about his gun collection and he had been suicidal, and the next day he gave his brother all his guns. So I feel invested in trying to help this man. I felt better when I could say "no" without guilt, to seeing him, and put my needs and responsiblities to myself first. So he got me some sort of promise ring and I wasn't wearing it last night and he looked sad, more guilt. He made a comment about us not being boyfriend and girlfriend, only dating (my wishes) so I said he could call me his girlfriend if he wants, after I said for he umpteenth time I don't WANT to get back together and breakup again, why can't we just love eachother? He's so forgetful, I'm sure he'll not remember it's my b-day Saturday (last year I reminded him several times) which I don't want to feel obligated to spend day with him. Counselor reminded me to check how much energy I have before I say yes to seeing him, which can be draining. I hate to blame him for my lack of healthy boundaries. At the same time the Holiday season with Mom taking on the world and Aunt over during Thanksgiving, I notice the codependency in them with apprehension and disdain, I suppose, as I see it is a huge detriment to me. I mean, my whole alcoholism and drug addiction began and progressed as a way to "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". I am in recovery now. I just am not a fan or admirer of adults taking on responsiblity of other capable adults, and this is modeled for me in Mom and Aunt, and was so hard for me to be around, like "can't u see how unhealthy this is?" No, they can't. I guess same as for me. I am in it and I have a hard time being objective and seeing, Gee, this is not what life is supposed to be all about. I neglect myself to try to save someone else who again is mentally ill and it's not like we live together, after 5 breakups I just let that word "girlfriend" sneak back in and I let that "promise" ring on my finger, knowing the guy is quite disturbed and can't be a good influence. The thing is he knows all this I share, he is open to hearing it, I am open to sharing it, he is usually ok with it, it is just ME and my GUILT that says, screw the boundary, focus on him, forget yourself, until I am suffering. No wonder I got so sick around Christmas time. Oh God!
Replies
Try to stay strong and work this through. I have similar issues and no real answers, but I think we are needing help too to find out what drives us to feel like we need to rescue people and be a martyr. Sorry to use that word but its how I feel at times. Goood luck with it all hon.
I would think about the resons that keeps bringing you back to him, why you have the need to help someone? It appears to me like a toxic relationship, far from equal partnership. What keeps bringin you back? What is the common ground? Needing each other? In waht ways? Hey, just food for thought.
Big hug
S
Ok, lets try to answer these helpful questions. What keeps bringing me back to him... Forgetting/denying the bad times, overlooking the mistreatment, loneliness, familiarity, neurotic need to help, feelings of dependency on his generosity, him being my \"person\" due to social withdrawal, feeling useful in my desirablity...
Why do I have the need to help someone?... Neurotic need, it is sort of a substitute for self love and self care when it takes on this extreme of consuming me mentally, emotionally, even physically. It is a pattern, learned very young, in a neglectful dysfunctional family where I learned to cope by not wanting to make any waves with my needs and doing what I can to \"help out\" so as to make things less \"icky\" to be around (wow). I also feel I have a lot to offer in wisdom, experience and knowlege...
Toxic, far from equal relationship... I needed to hear that. For me it is the closest thing I have to a relationship, I am seeing it is not really a relationship. Last night it occured to me how much in some ways I am a giver and it hasn\'t occured to me that I can take in those ways as well. Low self esteem! Not worthy of being treated with high regard, it feels uncomfortable. I guess I have a poverty mentality!
What is our common ground...We\'re both in recovery in a 12 step program and attended some of the same meetings, we both like to read, I relate to his mentality in some ways and his temperament in some ways, in other ways we are extremely different. We both like to cuddle and enjoy sharing meals together and watching TV together. We share many of the same opinions and feelings about things and people, though some of our values are different. I guess we\'re both sort of lonely and withdrawn and isolate self (seeing our commonality not so healthy - and I\'m growing, moreso in our times apart)...
Do we need eachother, in what ways?... Companionship, attention, support, he can offer me a little financial help (counselor helped me realize I don\'t really NEED this, still I guess my mentality is to take it), support and understanding, I offer him a lot of help in trying to get him above water in his desperation, I guess I am sort of hooked in his having entrusted personal information that I guess you could say could incriminate him if it were to be known to the powers that be. I suppose a lot of it has been knowing him over the years and watching him find a higher power he didn\'t used to have, and seeing him sort of fall apart, oh well. Invested in his growth and development while neglecting mine. I need him to be active in my codependency I guess (sick) though he is replaced in this way. This is why I feel guilty for blaming him and taking it out on him when it is ME ME ME that needs to change.
I am feeling strengthened here. Thanks.
nice job on answering those questions, above. questions by the way, i wanted to kno myself.