I am experiencing being the recipient of a lot of messages to have grace with myself.  I appreciate this as I tend to not recognize when I'm being hard on myself, I had made progress in this area and I guess I am forgetting that tool of allowing myself to be imperfect without judging or criticizing myself.I am going to be working at the temp job I did a couple months ago for a week or two so I will hopefully be able to be here regularly during this time.  I am glad I still want to come here, it is very helpful and shows me I am willing and open.  At this job I got to work a bit with the girl I am filling in for who from what I observe seems to be on amphetamine or something, it was grueling to be around her, I never felt so crazy around someone, probably because I had to pay attention to her and I am so mellow and her nervous energy just drove me nuts!  I am grateful that was only for one day, it was just too hard on me and it wasn't like I could tune her out since she was showing me things (that the regular supervisor wasn't having me do).  I guess I need to have compassion for her.  I do not know why she is out and I could be totally off, I just hoped it was rehab.  Anyway I am sorry to be judgemental I need a lot of help in this area of accepting others despite whatever in them bugs me, I just like I said never felt so uncomofortable around someone before.  It's like I could'nt center or ground myself, I was so focused on her, how awful!  Again I am sorry for making any of this about "her" when it is about ME.Well my ex and I are still seeing eachother once or twice a week, I said I did not want to get back together and break up again, why can't we just love eachother?  I am seeing a counselor which is good, she is someone I saw years ago which helps tremendously as she knows me.  She said to not put pressure on myself to decide "either way" if I'll stay in this relationship, though it is a Domestic Violence center and theire goal is to get me AWAY.  I am learning I can't help him, though part of me believes I can and this belief and holding on to what he was/we were is keeping me in the relationship.  He is so messed up, it seems the more I try to help the more I realize just how mentally ill I suppose he is.  He is in counseling and spoke to a psychiatrist, who does not recommend meds, despite his nearly not sleeping and being suicidal.  This is so stressful for me to be in the know about some of his distorted thinking/behaving.  God!  I picture him in the hands of God, literally, and this gives me peace.  I went back to an overcomers outreach support group where I can get help for and share about my codependency issues,  it is for anyone troubled by a compulsive or addictive tendency and their loved ones.  It has been my start and introduction into recovery for my chemical dependency and alcoholism and codependency, and this year of staying away went by so fast, I'm glad I'm back.  I'm also glad I am attending more 12 step meetings.