I went to work today at a temp job where I worked recently and didn't have computer access yet, that is where I first found DS so I really missed being here today.  I have had a pretty good week so far.  I did realize moreso just how I am not in a position or able to help my ex who I am still in contact with and it is up to me if we are still dating, I don't know.  It is not like before when we were a couple yet I guess we still have feelings for eachother, I am more cautious this time.  I know he is in a bad way, and I know it is not healthy for me to surround myself with that especially having such a limited social support I choose to reach out to and with my poor sense of self esteem at times. Last night I had a dream where I convinced myself alcohol was not my problem as I anticipated accepting a drink from some old drinking buddies and another dream where I convinced myself my problem with not feeling good lateley was because I haven't been smoking pot.  Knowing myself and my dreamd and dream journaling, this is not a good sign, it shows a slip in my thinking about my disease of alcoholism/marijuana addiction.  I did go to an AA meeting Monday night and to one tonight, and it is helpful, and look forward going tomorrow afternoon after an early day of work, and I'm grateful this other meeting place is close to my work I am doing while someone is out sick.  I am very grateful for these opportunities to work and go to meetings. Mom and I went to hot springs and used mud bath and soaked, used sauna and steam room.  I am glad I was able to treat myself and enjoy her company, something my sponsor suggested I go do something with someone and not talk about HIM.  I am trying to be honest with others just how bad off he is and I do know he has old violent tendencies I am more wary of these days.  I am pleased I am not running to him, and checking my feelings about what do I really have to give now, as my counselor said.  I do realize moreso with him especially being so bad off the energy is more going towards him and not coming back to me in a positive manner.  I do know he has Christmas gifts for me and this is like a further obligation/hook like luring me in, me to be polite and not want to rock the boat.  I know also he is aware with his new job and how well paying it is (EXTREMELY) it's like, he knows I have financial issues, and I need to keep a boundary with myself not to involve him in any way with my bills, amount of work, car needs or any money issues and to not get drawn into feeling I need that help, when counselor helped me realize I am not financially dependent on him like I think I am.