Today I realized how much I have backslidden as far as having recovery in my 12 step program in my loss of serenity and lack of working a program for codependency.  I am still clean and sober.  I am just withdrawn and not attending meetings much more than once per week, which is not enough for me.   I went to see my ex boyfriend instead of attending a meeting.  I see how messed up he is and I feel more clingy and needy of wanting to help him and feel I both help and harm, help with what I offer him as far as love and friendship and my "counseling" Oh God I'm too invested emotionally to councel!  Anyway I still have a lot to offer.  Still, I harm in my own disfunction, neediness, criticism, codependency, the stress it places on me so I am not my best and so can't really "help". I appreciate the feedback at this site.  I carry it with me, and it gives me a little strength. After all, this is my MO. I isolate, I attatch to someone I am at first presenting my best self to only to let myself go emotionally and become rather a mess, and I cling onto the love I want to give and receive and try to feel ok.  This is me.  Only now I'm clean and sober.  And I didn't move in with him.  And we're not a couple, though emotionally I suppose we're still quite bonded in some ways.  He is again like I said a mess and it's really messing with me, since I am not reaching out, when I do it is with someone who is afraid to talk around me like I push his buttons and he doesn't want to ruffle my feathers, and vice versa though i suppose I've just become critical and rude and he's just irrational. It's funny how productive I am despite my complaints.  I am grateful for this site, that my car runs good, that I will have some money for Christmas gifts, that I am able to pay some bills, that I have this volunteer work, for access to a computer and internet, for the friends I do have, for discernment of people, for willingness to be open and honest and vulnerable with my issues here. I have a counseling apptmnt Mon. and I'm scared.  I don't trust her. I have gotten a lot of help from her in the past.  I've just had little issues of her saying she called and she never did, and I just don't believe her, and it happened again.  It is hard for me to hear advice.   I guess I'm caught up in my illusion of hope/help.  It's like, I have God, and don't tell me I can't do the imossible, God Can! (I guess I can't, I can only hope for God's will) The best plan for me is meetings, friends, accountability, being of service, taking care of myself, staying clean and sober, and working on my spiritual life and meditation, and get some help for codependency. I did ask to start leaving work an hour later, it turned my commute home from 1 hr 45 mins to less than an hour, a good start to getting some of my life back (it felt good and I had much more energy in the evening.)  It is temp job and should be done next week.  The boss offered me a permanent position doing something less fun, not going to do it because of the tremendous commute and I'd rather do something more fun, and I want to work with people who I think are more qualified. Anyway I have a long way to go, thanks if you read this, and I'm sorry for some complaining. Oh and I did go to dinner with my ex.  I realized how I talk and ask questions and he doesn't , and he's afraid because I give him a hard time. He's withdrawn. And I feel neglected, forgetting I'm not the center of the universe and he is having a very very hard time. It was our anniversary, and I went, and realize how socially I guess I have some reaching out to do and some confidence to build and I can't blame him for not being better for me, he is just havinga hard time getting it together for himself and really can't handle much negative feedback from me, and I seem to be full of it :(