I apologized to Dad for yelling at him, for getting angry and told him I love him.  I went and saw my ex, thinking I could help, got drawn into a full day of just getting some communication out of the way and some closure and some reattatchment, so a day out of a month we spent together.  I get some strength back ans see I don't like the person I am with him because I am not feeling supported or encouraged since he is so bad off and it's just like, stop trying to effect any change whatsoever and stop getting caught up in his neediness, he is in some ways not as bad off as he says, and I did offer the support I could but got sucked down in the process.  I don't want to be in a situation I am not proud of.  I don't want to be w/ someone who is not good for me overall, though I am encouraging him to be better, it is not up to me to  change the man.  Oh God please help me!  I'm not making it any easier on him by leading him on when I truly don't know what I'm doing, yes I love him and have history w/ him and it's our 1 yr  anniversary week and he is my friend and companion, my social life needs filling and my self esteem needs help, and he has  been mean to me.  It felt good to hear apologies and accountability, it's like I see his sweet side again but his despondent side is just grueling.