I owe Dad an apology even though he was out of line, I was a bit harsh in pointing it out to him and so I too was out of line.  I need my 12 step meetings and I'm not going regularly now, it's a bad change for me.  I am trying to let go of my mate.  He wants me back, I told him 5 breakups are enough.  Part of me is mad I focused on the problems because of the shame I feel for going back knowing what I know, knowing the problems that exist.  I miss him and I miss us.  I appreciate the help here so much, I'm sure I couldn't do it without the people here.  I can only do it one day at a time and I need to stay strong on a for today basis, because I could always have the potential to go back, and hit a further low, each low is lower.  His pet died last night (pac man frog) who I cared for, I was his "mommy".  This knowing I could go back.  Oh God. Tonight, Saturday nights are especially hard for me.  I am glad to have things to keep me busy, it helps to have other stuff to do.