Wow I am used to journaling in my written journal, this is neat, as part of a community that gives me helpful feedback I appreciate. Well things with Mr X ended up that I did not turn my phone on until the day after Thanksgiving (when he'd just shown up) and there were messages common to him, come to me I need you, then I don't respond and he said never mind I don't deserve it I won't contact you again (in a nutshell) anyway he doesn't quite have the follow through on what he says.  He acts so desperate.  He is in recovery for addiction the fact he says he is no longer having a connection with his higher power God and doesn't care about his life and has lost quite alot of weight (over 40 lbs since he started the breakups in July) and has gone off and on and off again from his psych meds since April, he's just a mess, and his support system crumbling, and him isolating... all this said I've gotten back into communicating with him since Thanksgiving, just text messages, Oh God, it's so frustrating to be in defense mode since he is a verbal abuser (in denial). God!  I don't want this.  He's not the way he was when we got into relationship.  Anyway I got caught up in it and it's up to me to not make him part of my closure! Thanks all for being here and helping me with this journey, I couldn't do it w/out you all! I just stepped up my volunteer work and just busy w/ family and holiday and just helping with what I can do instead of dwell on the disappointment and frustration of trying to get closure and good feelings with someone who hasn't treated me real right...